Season 4 As NOT Seen on TV
by Stew Pid
Summary: This is the continuation to one of my previous fics 'Season 3 As I have it,' NOT of the real Season 3. Rating is just to be safe. Chapter 5- 822
1. If Walls Could Talk

By: Stew Pid

Rating: PG-13

Disclaimer: I only own the Stew Pid stuff.

A/N: Preface: hey!! Remember me? It's been a while. I've missed you all so much! This is the continuation to 'Season 3 as I have it' which some of you read and for which some requested a continuation. Now, my Season 3 went very differently from the actual one, and I have decided that while I will try to bring some of the real Season 3 into this subtly, for the most part, out of sheer impossibility, this will not be anywhere in the vicinity of what will be the real Season 4, and will also fail to bare much resemblance to the real Season 3. Though, in defense of my psychic abilities, I would like to briefly state where my Season 3 and the real Season 3 overlap. The obvious, Rory and Jess do get together. Paris meets a guy in Washington that she likes. The idea of Lorelai dating Kirk arises in both (the real GG writers weren't brave enough to actually do it, and I wasn't much braver.) Jess and Dean fight. Fran dies, and the implication to follow. Lorelai gets a love interest (both of the real ones were more handsome than what I had in mind for Bill). Jess' father's return (in real season 3)/ "return" (in my own.) Sookie gets pregnant. I could go on (not for too long and it would involve some serious stretching of correlations), but I won't. Anyway, Miss Cleo already rejected my application for employment. 

So anyway, this fic is dedicated to all of my readers, especially AvidTVFan, without whom this would never have been written (so you know who to blame, not just me). Well, you know the drill. For those of you who don't—the best comprehension of this fic would be to read 'Season 3 as I have it,' but I wouldn't inflict that punishment on anyone and then expect them to read this. You might just have to read the last chapter 'season finale' though, and then you should be able to fall into the swing of what has happened. This will be 15 chapters because 7 is the lucky number that marks my complete inferiority to Amy Sherman Palladino. Each chapter is 11 Word document pages long, font size 10. So yeah, they're long. For visual health, I recommend reading it in bits and pieces should you choose to read it at all. No one's watching if you decide you can't finish a whole chapter in one sitting. Although, considering my proven psychic abilities, I'll probably know, but I really don't mind. =) So enough StewPid-ness. On to the fic. Hope you like it.

(After three days of revelry, Fall Festival has ended. Lorelai and Rory are walking and looking around town.)

Lorelai: Wow. 

Rory: I know.

Lorelai: I mean, this is how the town looks every other day of the year, but after three days of Fall Festival decorations it always looks so different.

Rory: Especially this year. Taylor really went all out.

Lorelai: And now it's all gone.

Rory: Gone with the wind.

Lorelai: Like the autumn leaves.

Rory: Aren't we feeling poetic today?

Lorelai: It's the fall.

Rory: It must be.

Lorelai: That and you mentioned Gone With the Wind, which always makes me want to use my southern accent.

Rory: What does your terrible imitation of a southern accent have to do with being poetic?

Lorelai: Because I always wanted to hear Shakespeare in a southern accent.

Rory: I can't believe I had to ask.

Lorelai: You know what it is about the autumn?

Rory: Anything to save me from the thought of Shakespeare in your southern accent.

Lorelai: Everything changes.

Rory: Everything starts to die.

Lorelai: Hello, Mr. Sunshine.

Rory: Well, you know, the trees, the flowers, the daylight.

Lorelai: Schools start, the guests at the Inn change from the summer crowd to the fall/winter crowd. 

Rory: Summer clothes go to the back of the closet, and you have to start pulling forward the sweaters and the winter clothes.

Lorelai: Ugh. No more open-toe shoes. (Rory smiles sympathetically to a crushed Lorelai.)

Rory: Yep. All gone with the wind.

Lorelai: This talk is making me hungry. As God is my witness, I will never be hungry again!

Rory: Look. Tara. (points to Luke's.) You know, Luke's always looks the same. Summer, Winter, Fall, Spring, it's the same old Luke's. Which reminds me, we haven't been in a while. I thought you guys made up.

Lorelai: We did.

Rory: So why aren't we going to Luke's anymore?

Lorelai: We're not going to Luke's any less. We don't always go to Luke's.

Rory: We haven't been today. We didn't go yesterday. I went before that, but you didn't, and you suddenly got that strange stomach virus that has no outward symptoms the day of the pie-eating contest so we didn't go to Luke's then either, and Kirk ended up getting our silver medal.

Lorelai: Those strange new stomach viruses always have the worst timing.

Rory: So what's going on?

Lorelai: Nothing. This is part of your college preparation process. You're going to go away and experience far off new places. So, I have to start weaning you off the old places.

Rory: I might not be going so far off.

Lorelai: You're really serious about not wanting to go to Harvard?

Rory: I don't know. I might go. I'm just not as adamant about it as before. I realize I still have things to consider.

Lorelai: (sees Jess working in the diner) Things?

Rory: Yes.

Lorelai: Like?

Rory: Like everything. I mean, you, the town, everything. I'm just not sure I'm ready to be so far away from it all. And then so close to dad and everything happening on his end. I'm just not sure I'm ready for all of that on top of getting a college education. 

Lorelai: Well, sounds fair enough. But just remember. Harvard's been your dream and sometimes dreams are worth the costs.

(Rory nods and they walk quietly for a bit. Then Rory remembers)

Rory: So remind me again why we walked right by Luke's?

(Meanwhile at Luke's. Jess is taking orders. Luke is about to go out when he sees Lorelai and Rory passing. He walks over to Jess.)

Luke: Listen, I got this. Go over and tell Taylor he needs to get all those decorations out of my yard.

Jess: I'm not going to do your nagging for you. Tell him yourself.

Luke: Who pays you?

Jess: These people right here if you go away and let me take their order.

Luke: (looks out the window again and sees Lorelai and Rory are gone) Fine. (mumbling) You want something done, you gotta do it yourself. (about to leave)

Jess: Where are you going?

Luke: I'm going to talk to Taylor since you so graciously declined.

Jess: Taylor's right over there. (points to a table at the other end of the diner)

Luke: When did he come in here?

Jess: About the time you started trying to hide from Lorelai.

Luke: Just get back to your customers. (Luke goes over to Taylor.)

Taylor: Ah, Luke. I wanted to thank you for hosting our little contest. This year's Fall Festival was a tremendous success. We might even have some money left over to buy a new gavel for the town meeting. Although I'm thinking of getting a buzzer instead. After that last meeting, I think gavels might be too dangerous, and you can never be too careful, you know.

Luke: Taylor, what is all that junk doing in my yard?

Taylor: Now I knew you'd be a little testy about that. We usually store that over at Patty's but with all the new decorations this year, there just wasn't enough space. Kirk has agreed to store it at his place, but we're still waiting on permission from his mother. 

Luke: I want that out of my yard before evening.

Taylor: I'll give Kirk a call. Now can I get some coffee?

Luke: In a minute. 

(Luke walks over behind the counter and retrieves the coffee pot. He sees Rory coming into the diner, and ducks behind the counter. Jess, putting his order pad on the counter, leans over to look at Luke.)

Jess: Relax, Bert, she's on her own.

Luke: I dropped…

Jess: Save it for somebody stupid. (Rory walks over to the counter.)

Rory: What's going on?

Jess: Luke's just trying to spit in the coffee inconspicuously.

Rory: Is _that_ the secret to Luke's coffee?

Luke: (standing up) Don't you kids have anything better to do? Go to school.

Jess: You're much more educational.

Rory: That's right. 

(Luke walks out from behind the counter, pauses for a moment to say something, but instead returns to Taylor.)

Jess: You know it's gotten bad when he leaves us for Taylor.

Rory: Is this going to change my status here?

Jess: Nah. I'll get you your coffee.

Rory: But will Luke spit in it?

Jess: That I don't know.

Rory: (pouts for a moment) Well, I have to go to school. I'll talk to you later. (They kiss and she leaves.)

(Independence Inn. Kitchen.)

Lorelai: You and Jackson weren't at the festival this year.

Sookie: No. Jackson was away on a produce convention.

Lorelai: They actually have produce conventions?

Sookie: In Moscow.

Lorelai: Jackson went to Russia?

Sookie: Idaho.

Lorelai: Oh.

Sookie: So he came back on Monday and I wanted to stay in, have a nice dinner and everything, so I could tell him about the baby.

Lorelai: You mean you hadn't told him?!

Sookie: No. (shyly) I still haven't told him.

Lorelai: What?! Why not?! Sookie, he's the father. He is the father, right?

Sookie: Of course he's the father.

Lorelai: So how is it that I know about the baby, Rory knows about the baby, Luke knows about the baby, the whole town probably knows about the baby, and Jackson doesn't know about the baby?

Sookie: Well, it's like this. See, the day I found out about the baby was the day before Jackson had to leave for the convention. He was all rushed, trying to pack, taking pictures of his fruit, things like that, and I just didn't want to say, "hey, listen up, I'm pregnant. You're going to be a dad. Now you can get back to the squash." I don't know. I just always imagined how I would tell my husband that I was pregnant. I would make him this really big romantic candlelight dinner. And the candlesticks would be the ones from our wedding. We'd talk and then I'd look at the candlesticks and we'd reminisce about the wedding. And then I'd say, "that was the second happiest day of my life." And then he'd get all shocked and scared and wonder, "what was the first" and I would say, "Today. The day I found out I was having your child."

Lorelai: Wow. That _is_ sweet.

Sookie: Isn't it?

Lorelai: Okay, Lucy. So why didn't you do that Monday? 

Sookie: Well, I was planning to. I had the dinner, the candlesticks, everything set up. But all he could talk about was the stupid produce convention. And then I started trying to rehearse how it should go, and I realized I couldn't say, "today. The day I found out I was having your child" because I found out Friday. And if I said, Friday, he would be upset that I waited so long to tell him, and then I'd have to explain why I didn't tell him, and it'd just ruin the moment. So then I didn't know how to tell him, and he just kept going on and on about the convention and it gave me a headache so I took some aspirin and went to bed.

Lorelai: Sookie, you have to tell him. Sooner or later, he's going to find out. Do you want him to hear it from somebody else?

Sookie: Oh my God! What if he did hear it from somebody else? Are you sure the whole town knows?

Lorelai: This _is _Stars Hollow we're talking about.

Sookie: (moaning) Oh, you're right.

Lorelai: Sookie, you got some 'splaining to do.

(Chilton. Lunchroom.)

(The guidance counselor stands in the middle of the lunchroom and claps her hands).

Counselor: Can I have everyone's attention. (the room slowly quiets down.) We have some college representatives at the front hall for our juniors and seniors. We currently have people from Vassar, Princeton, Stanford, Drew, Harvard, and Dartmouth. Feel free to stop by and gather information or ask questions. 

Louise: So are any of you going?

Paris: I'm going.

Rory: But you already applied to your schools. 

Paris: Yeah, but I want to see what kind of people they chose to represent them. 

Louise: I should go. I haven't applied to any schools yet.

Madeline: Me too. (they get up)

Paris: Coming, Gilmore?

Rory: No, I think I'll stay. I'll guard our table.

Paris: Fine. I'll throw in a good word for you with the Harvard representatives. I'll say you couldn't come to meet them because you broke your ankle, and only a broken ankle would keep you from meeting the fine people of Harvard.

Rory; Forget it. I'm going.

(at the front hall. Desks are stationed with the school banners. Rory and Paris approach the Harvard table.)

Woman: Hello, young ladies. My name is Cynthia Davis, class of 87. How are you?

Paris and Rory: Fine, and you?

Ms. Davis: I'm good. Thank you. (gesturing toward the book in Rory's hand) What are you reading?

Rory: Uh, _Please Kill Me_. It was recommended to me.

Ms. Davis: Oh, I love that book. I was a big Stooges fan.

Paris: Oh, yeah. Me too. Curly always used to crack me up.

(Ms. Davis looks oddly at Paris. Rory starts to laugh.)

Rory: Paris is not only one of the smartest in our school, but also the funniest.

(Ms. Davis starts to laugh, and Rory nudges Paris and she starts to laugh too.)

Ms. Davis: So are you girls considering applying to Harvard.

Paris: We already did.

Ms. Davis: Oh. Well, that's great. Did you have any questions for me?

Rory: Well, I was wondering what your Harvard experience was like? 

Ms. Davis: Oh, okay. Well,…

(Ms. Davis and Rory are fully engaged, and Paris decides to leave. She heads toward the Princeton table. A young man advances a little, and extends his hand which Paris takes.)

Young man: Hello. Are you interested in Princeton?

Paris: I've applied.

Young man: Really? Great. What's your name?

Paris: Paris Gellar.

Young man: Nice to meet you, Paris. Jaime [Nullumnomen.]

Paris: So do you go to Princeton, Jaime?

Jamie: Yes, I do. First year undergrad. So if you have any questions about what to expect…

Paris: Well, Jaime, I expect to go to Harvard. 

Jamie: (dubiously) Harvard? Really? 

Paris: What? I'll have you know that Harvard has the longest tradition in this country. It was founded before this nation was even a nation. It has bred minds like Emerson and Thoreau…

Jamie: None of which had a single decent thing to say about it afterward.

Paris: Emerson boasted that most of the branches of learning were taught at Harvard.

Jamie: I wouldn't call it boasting, and didn't Thoreau retort, "All the branches, none of the roots"?

Paris: But who was Thoreau without Emerson really?

Jamie: Emerson said to the faces of Harvard graduates that colleges are built upon establishing a book-learned class. Book-learned in the context of his "American Scholar" is quite pejorative, don't you agree?

Paris: And I suppose Princeton has had nothing but glowing reviews from its alumni.

Jamie: _This Side of Paradise._ "its lazy beauty, its half-grasped significance, the wild moonlight revel of the rushes, the handsome, prosperous big-game crowds, and under it all the air of struggle that pervaded his class."

Paris: (rolls her eyes) Oh God. Does everyone at Princeton have that book memorized? (Jamie smiles) Well, I guess Fitzgerald is right about "that worship[…] of the bogey 'Big Man.'"

Jamie: (laughing) Yeah I guess that line only works on people who haven't memorized Fitzgerald. Really, Harvard is great. I wish you the best of luck. Do you want to take some brochures, though, just in case?

Paris: Sure. 

Jamie: Great. And why don't I write my number in case you have any questions?

Paris: Uh, yeah, great.

Jamie: And why don't you give me your number so I can let you know whenever we're having open events.

Paris: Uh, okay. Fine. Whatever. (She scribbles her number down for him.)

Jamie: Great. It was great meeting you, Paris. 

Paris: Yeah, same here. (walks briskly away.)

(Independence Inn. Kirk comes in.)

Michel: What do you want, Kirk? I'm very busy now.

Kirk: Are there any positions available here for employment?

Michel: Yes. I need someone to hit over the head with a marble paper-weight whenever someone asks annoying questions when I'm busy.

Kirk: Will I get medical insurance?

Michel: Of course. Would you like to begin today?

(Jackson comes in.)

Jackson: Hey, have you guys seen Sookie?

Michel: Hmm. It's lunchtime. People will be eating soon. Of course, someone has to make the food. Sookie is the chef. I wonder where she might be. Not the kitchen. Why would she be in the kitchen?

Jackson: Thanks, Michel.

Kirk: Oh, yeah, Jackson. Congratulations.

Jackson: You know? How do you know?

Kirk: I heard it from Taylor who heard it from Babette, who heard it from Patty who overheard Rory tell Jess.

Jackson: Wow. I didn't think it'd be that big a deal, but thanks.

(Jackson proceeds to the kitchen. Kirk and Michel look at each other.)

Kirk: Does the medical plan include dental?

(Kitchen.)

Sookie: David, did you taste this? (David nods.) What does it taste like to you?

David: Broccoli in a sardine cheddar sauce?

Lorelai: Sardine cheddar sauce? Bleck.

Sookie: I just thought of it today. I think it's pretty good. Don't you think, David?

David: Um, I have to go to the bathroom. (leaves)

Sookie: You want to try some?

Lorelai: Thanks, sweetie, but no. I think that it's best to keep the experiments to a minimum now that you're…in this…hormonal condition.

Sookie: Oh my God. You think it's because I'm pregnant? What if I've lost it and I'll never get it back again?

Lorelai: You haven't lost it.

(Jackson comes in)

Jackson: Lost what.

Lorelai: Her mind. Tell her she hasn't lost her mind.

Jackson: (to Sookie) You haven't lost your mind. But I might be losing mine. Do you know that all day everyone has been congratulating me over this National Produce Award? You know, I never thought people really appreciated what I do. But today, do you know Patty gave me the warmest congratulations, hugged me, and kissed me?

Lorelai: Well, Patty will take any excuse to kiss a man.

Jackson: Say whatever you want, but this has been a big affirmation for me. 

Lorelai: (nudging Sookie) That's great, Jackson. Congratulations. I'm going to, um, get Michel to sing show tunes. I'll see you guys later. (leaves.)

(Sookie looks at Jackson and smiles awkwardly.)

(Stars Hollow High. Jess is smoking in the hallway. Lane walks to her locker.)

Lane: Jess, what are you doing here? Shouldn't you be in class?

Jess: I'm taking my cigarette break.

Lane: You don't get cigarette breaks in high school. You're not even supposed to smoke in the building. (waves away the smoke)

Jess: Someone memorized her student handbook.

Lane: Well, you better hurry up. We have Eco in ten minutes.

Jess: Yeah, I'm afraid I won't be able to make it. I have some things to do. I'll borrow your notes tomorrow.

Lane: Try asking first.

Jess: 'Later, Lane. (walks away.)

(Lane rolls her eyes and closes her locker.)

(Chilton. After school. Rory is walking toward the bus stop. Paris catches up with her.)

Paris: So I see you and Larry hit it off.

Rory: Ms. Davis was very nice. You should have stood.

Paris: No thanks.

Rory: So where did you go?

Paris: I went to the Princeton table.

Rory: Yeah, I didn't get a chance to stop there. How was it?

Paris: Some arrogant, narcissistic freshman pimping his school like it was the best thing since soy milk, and him by extension.

Rory: That bad, huh?

Paris: He was actually really nice. He gave me his number if I had any questions and asked for mine to let me know about events.

Rory: He asked for your number?

Paris: To let me know about open events at Princeton.

Rory: Ms. Davis had me fill out a card to be on the mailing list.

Paris: Different schools do things differently.

Rory: I guess. (Rory smiles furtively at Paris.)

(Later. At Doose's Market. Luke is in one of the aisles. Lorelai comes in with Babette.)

Babette: So the guy says to Morey, your daughter's voice ain't bad neither. You believe that? "Your daughter."

Lorelai: I'm still trying to get over the voice part.

Babette: So you know Morey says to the kid, that ain't my daughter. That's my…oh, come over here, hun, I gotta get some flour and I wanna finish telling you the story.

Lorelai: Great.

(she follows Babette into Luke's aisle.)

Babette: So Morey says, that ain't my daughter…hey, Luke, how ya doing? Excuse me. (to Lorelai) Yeah, Morey says, that ain't my daughter…Where the heck is the flour? Taylor! Or where's that nice young kid, the one Rory used to go with? Why did she break up with him anyway? You know, Taylor's probably right outside. Give me a second, hun. (Babette leaves the aisle to find Taylor.)

(Lorelai looks at Luke who is looking at a box of oatmeal.)

Lorelai: Hey.

Luke: Uh, hey. How are you?

Lorelai: Um, fine. You?

Luke: Yeah, fine.

(awkward silence.)

Luke: You know, I think they're all the same. This one's got two percent less iron, but it's cheaper, so this one it is. 

Lorelai: Who needs iron anyway?

Luke: Right. (he puts the box in his basket and looks at Lorelai for a moment. She looks around for an item on the shelf.)

Lorelai: Um, I'm actually looking for beefaroni but I don't think it's here.

Luke: Two aisles down.

Lorelai: Oh. Well, thanks. I'm going to get some beefaroni.

Luke: Yeah, so, I'll see you around.

Lorelai: Yeah. (they part ways.)

(Music store. Lane is arranging CDs and Rory pulls them out for inspection.)

Lane: You get a Stooges fan from Harvard, and I get a Yani fan from Southern Adventist University.

Rory: Are you applying there?

Lane: Oh, I already did. It's a must.

Rory: Wow. Where else did you apply?

Lane: You mean my schools or my mom's schools?

Rory: Your schools.

Lane: Well, BC, NYU…

Rory: Nice.

Lane: (shyly) Berkeley

Rory: Whoa. Far. Does Mama Kim know about this?

Lane: No.

Rory: Are you going to tell her?

Lane: Eventually. If I get in. I might just wait 'til I'm there, and call her one day and say, "Hey Mama, I'm in California."

Rory: And then, the shout heard 'round the world.

Lane: Yeah. 

Rory: Hey, did I ever return your Daft Punk CD?

Lane: I'd have to double-check my files, but I think you did. Don't even worry about it.

(Jess taps on the window of the store. Rory motions for him to come in. He mouths "I'll wait for you over there" and walks in the pointed direction.)

Lane: He's not allowed in here. 

Rory: Why?

Lane: Do you want the list?

Rory: There's a list?

Lane: Afraid so. (Rory frowns slightly.) Please don't take this the wrong way, Rory, but Jess just doesn't seem to me your type. 

Rory: You just have to get to know him.

Lane: Yeah, I guess. 

Rory: Well, I have to go.

Lane: Yeah. I'll call you tonight.

Rory: Sure thing.

Lane: Have fun.

Rory: Bye.

(Outside. Jess is leaning against the wall of an adjacent store, reading.)

Rory: Hey.

Jess: Hey. Find any new CDs?

Rory: No, I was just talking to Lane.

Jess: Ah.

Rory: Lane is a good person.

Jess: That's the way this town breeds them.

Rory: She's my best friend in the world.

Jess: Well, Dr. Laura would say you're your own best friend. Or was that Dr. Ruth?

Rory: We've been friends since kindergarten.

Jess: So if I ever need to know which color crayons you eat, I should ask Lane.

Rory: If she ever needed a kidney, I'd give her mine, and if I ever needed one, I know she'd give me hers.

Jess: You swap kidneys. Got it.

Rory: Now, you're my boyfriend.

Jess: Don't tell me you swap boyfriends, too.

Rory: (sternly) Jess.

Jess: Okay. Can you just get to the point already?

Rory: My point is that it would be nice for me if my best friend and my boyfriend got along.

Jess: We get along fine.

Rory: Fine the way you and my mom get along fine?

Jess: Yes.

Rory: Fine the way you and Taylor get along fine?

Jess: Well now, that relationship is a little more complicated. Look, Rory, what do you want?

Rory: I want you to try to be better friends with Lane.

Jess: Like what? Waving to her in the hallways at school, calling her over to have lunch with me, comparing class schedules and picking extracurriculars with her.

Rory: No. Just…just (putting her arms around his neck) be nice to her. And maybe we could all hang out sometime.

Jess: Okay.

(they kiss)

(Later. Gilmore Residence. Rory walks through the door.)

Rory: Mom, I'm home.

Lorelai: Hey, Rory. How was your day?

Rory: Not so bad. And yours?

Lorelai: You hungry?

Rory: Starved.

Lorelai: Good. I made beefaroni.

Rory: You made beefaroni?

Lorelai: Well, if you want to get technical, Chef Boyardee made it. But I thoroughly heated it, so I get to take the credit for it.

Rory: Fair enough. If I had known I wouldn't have brought Luke's.

Lorelai: Ugh, God bless you, my child.

Rory: What?

Lorelai: Well, see, when I was making…uh, excuse me… _heating_ the beefaroni, it came alive, and it started bubbling up, and little bits of it started flying out of the pan, so I turned off the stove, and there was just this big glob in the middle that I'm sure was the monster that sprouted and started spewing guts all over the place. And while I'm sure it's dead now, I'm still kind of afraid of it.

Rory: You poor thing. You had to face the Beefaroni monster all alone.

Lorelai: I know. 

Rory: Why didn't you just call Luke?

Lorelai: Because I didn't think he'd be as sympathetic about my experience with the Beefaroni monster as you?

Rory: I mean, why didn't you call Luke to place an order.

Lorelai: I didn't feel like picking it up.

Rory: Yes, but you could have paged me to pick it up.

Lorelai: Well, um, see, that would require me to be rational, sensible, and logical and that's what I had you for. Now fork up the grub.

Rory: (handing Lorelai the bag) Here you go. 

(Rory and Lorelai are eating)

Lorelai: So how was your day?

Rory: It was okay. They had some college representatives at my school. The lady from Harvard was nice.

Lorelai: I thought you already applied to Harvard.

Rory: I did. 

Lorelai: So why are you still meeting college representatives?

Rory: For the exposure.

Lorelai: Huh.

Rory: And Paris kind of talked me into it.

Lorelai: I figured a Gellar was behind this.

Rory: A Gellar?

Lorelai: Paris.

Rory: Yeah, but you said "a Gellar" like you know them all.

Lorelai: Well, I knew a Herb Gellar once and this is just the type of thing he would do too, so I knew it was either Paris or Herb, so I knew a Gellar was behind it.

Rory: You did not know a Herb Gellar.

Lorelai: How are you going to tell me that I did not know a Herb Gellar?

Rory: Because when I told you about Paris and Phil in Washington, you were talking about how they would get married and have a baby and name it Herb. Herb Gellar, and I told you that it wouldn't be Herb Gellar because it would most likely take Phil's last name to which you responded, "over Paris' dead body." So I already know that Herb Gellar is one of your many invented names for imaginary people.

Lorelai: All right, all right. So what ever happened to Phil?

Rory: Well, they never really talked after Washington, but apparently he's been replaced.

Lorelai: Yeah?

Rory: Uh huh. Paris seems to have really hit it off with the Princeton representative. 

Lorelai: Hasn't she learned her lesson about long distance relationships? Then again, with Paris, that's probably the best way to have them.

Rory: So, how was your day?

Lorelai: The usual. Oh, but before I forget, you didn't tell anyone about Sookie, did you?

Rory: No. Well, I told Jess.

Lorelai: Well, that's just as good as telling no one.

Rory: Hey!

Lorelai: Come on. Who would Jess tell?

Rory: True. What's this about anyway?

Lorelai: Sookie hasn't told Jackson yet.

Rory: You're kidding me.

Lorelai: I kid you not. But somebody leaked because congratulations are going around.

Rory: So he knows?

Lorelai: No. He thinks they're talking about some produce award they won.

Rory: They give produce awards?

Lorelai: In Moscow.

Rory: Leave it to the Idahoans.

Lorelai: How did you know I didn't mean Russia?

Rory: Why would Jackson get a produce award in Russia?

Lorelai: There goes that rational, sensible, logical thing. That's right.

Rory: So who leaked?

Lorelai: I don't know. 

Rory; Did you leak?

Lorelai: I only told Luke.

Rory: Well what'd you go tell Luke for?

Lorelai: He was there when Sookie told me. And like Jess wouldn't have told him after you told him.

Rory: Yes, I'm sure that's what two men would talk about over dinner. "Hey Luke, did you hear that Sookie's pregnant." "Really? Is she looking for anyone to cater the baby shower?" 

Lorelai: I was thinking more the lines of, "hey, dude, guess who got knocked up?" "who?" "That chick that cooks the food." "Isn't she dead?" "Not that one, the other one." "Oh. Dude." "Yeah."

Rory: We're talking Luke and Jess. Not Beavis and Butthead.

Lorelai: Anyway, Luke wouldn't have told anyone either. 

Rory: I guess not. Well, who else knew?

Lorelai: I don't know.

Rory: Oh, I also told Lane.

Lorelai: Hmm. Would Lane tell?

Rory: I don't think so.

Lorelai: I think I might have told Bootsy.

Rory: Why would you tell Bootsy?

Lorelai: Well, I was picking up some maternity magazines, and he looked at me weird so I told him they were for Sookie. But I really didn't tell him she was pregnant. She could have just been trying to get pregnant, which really isn't news.

Rory: So when is Sookie going to tell Jackson?

Lorelai: Hopefully, she already has by now. (Rory nods and they continue to eat their dinner.) I wonder what Luke and Jess do talk about up there?

(They look pensively for a moment, then shrug.)

(Next day. Outside Luke's.)

Rory: If you and Luke made up, why can't we both go into Luke's?

Lorelai: Well, because I kind of got used to waiting outside. You know habits, they're hard to break.

Rory: Would you please tell me what's going on?

Lorelai: Nothing. Fine. Let's go in.

Rory: Thank you.

(they enter.)

Jess: You're going to have to sit at the counter. There's only one table left and it's out of order.

Lorelai: A table? Out of order? How is that possible?

Rory: Maybe when you sit in it the chair caves in under you.

Lorelai: Or maybe the top of the table tips over when you put plates on it.

Rory: Or maybe it leaks when you flush it.

Lorelai: That must be it.

Jess: It has to be disinfected. And for the record, right next to that no cell-phones sign, I'm putting a big sign "No babies."

Lorelai: Good rule to abide by.

(they take a seat at the counter. Jess comes back out in rubber gloves and a mask and a bundle of detergents.)

Rory: Come to think of it, it does smell kind of funny in here.

Lorelai: I know that smell, and there's nothing funny about that smell when you have to get rid of it at 4:30 in the morning.

Rory: Eww. 

(Luke comes downstairs with a woman and a baby.)

Lorelai: (to Rory) Have I been gone that long?

Woman: (to Luke) Thank you so much, and once again, I'm so sorry.

Luke: Yeah. Just get that thing out of here, will ya.

(the woman hurries quickly to the table Jess is working on to get her purse. Jess gives her an evil stare and she hesitates.)

Woman: I just need to grab my purse. (she starts forward with the baby and Jess threatens her with the disinfectant. She pulls back. He grabs her purse and gives it to her roughly.)

Woman: Thank you. I'm really sorry.

(she hurries out the diner. Luke goes over to Lorelai and Rory.)

Luke: Uh, what can I get you?

Rory: I'll have a coffee and a raspberry tart to go. 

Luke: (writing in the pad) Uh huh. (He pauses for Lorelai's order but doesn't look up.)

Lorelai: Uh, same.

Luke: Okay. (walks away briskly.)

Rory: Those autumn winds must be blowing 'cause it sure is cold in here.

Lorelai: Yeah, that icy glare Jess gave that poor woman, sent shivers up _my_ spine.

Rory: (rolls her eyes and looks back at the table) How do you think it happened?

Lorelai: I don't know. But it must have been a sight to behold.

Rory: Sookie's going to have one of those.

Lorelai: Shh. Are you trying to spread the word out even further?

Rory: She must have told him already.

Lorelai: True.

(Luke comes over.)

Luke: Here you go.

Rory: (putting the money on the counter.) Thank you.

Lorelai: Uh, yeah. 

(they get up to leave. Rory is about to go over to Jess, but repelled by the smell, grabs her nose and waves, quickly exiting the diner. Lorelai follows after her.)

Lorelai: What love won't do!

(Independence Inn. Lorelai walks into the kitchen.)

Lorelai: I just saw Jackson. Were congratulations in order?

Sookie: I still haven't told him.

Lorelai: What! 

Sookie: I tried. But come on. You heard him. He thought they were all congratulating him on that produce award. He thought they appreciated him. He felt affirmed. If I told him what they really meant, it would just be a disappointment, and this kind of news shouldn't be a disappointment.

Lorelai: The more you wait the more it will be. Disappointment in you. For not telling him sooner. You have to tell Jackson…

Jackson: (walking in) Tell me what?

Lorelai: Um, I should go and…

Jackson: What? No. Wait a minute. What's going on here?

Sookie: Jackson, sweetie, sugar, honey bunches of oats…

Jackson: Sookie…?

Sookie: There's something I've been meaning to tell you, but I couldn't tell you when I wanted to because it just wasn't the right moment, and then the more I waited, the less right the moment was, and now I have to tell you, and it's still not the right moment.

Jackson: Sookie, what is it?

Sookie: I'm pregnant. We're going to have a baby.

Jackson: What?! Why, that's….that's…that's wonderful, sweetheart. (They hug and kiss.) (to Lorelai) I'm going to be a father…Wait. You knew, didn't you?

Lorelai: (smiles awkwardly) Congratulations!

Jackson: You knew before I did. Sookie, why did Lorelai know before I did?

Sookie: Well, because I wanted to tell you, but you were rushing to get ready for that convention and the moment just wasn't right, but I couldn't keep it to myself so I called Lorelai.

Jackson: So it was the right moment to tell Lorelai but not me?

Sookie: You were rushing.

Jackson: Well, I was going to Moscow. 

Lorelai: Excuse me, but did that not sound funny to anyone else. Rushing? Russian? Moscow?

(Sookie and Jackson give her blank stares.) Sorry. I'll shut up.

Jackson: If you would have told me you had something to tell me I would have stopped.

Sookie: There was just a special way I wanted to tell you. It involved a nice dinner, which I made for you on Monday, but all you kept talking about was the convention, and then I saw the candlesticks and it was all wrong.

Jackson: What? So you didn't tell me because you picked the wrong candlesticks?

Sookie: No…see…Lorelai, could you help me here.

Jackson: Yes. That's right. Because I didn't know Lorelai was the third-person mediator in our marriage. Why didn't you just let her have the dinner with the candlesticks and tell me you were pregnant?

Lorelai: Hey, how did I get into this?

Sookie: Don't bring Lorelai into this.

Jackson: Wait a minute. All those congratulations. They weren't for the award, were they?

(Sookie smiles sheepishly)

Jackson: You mean the whole town knew before I did! That's just great! Now I get it. Sookie tells Lorelai. Lorelai tells Rory. Rory tells Jess, while Patty overhears and just like that, everybody knows but me, who happen to be the father.

Lorelai: So that's how it got out. (Sookie and Jackson look at her again.) Oh. Yeah. Sorry. Actually, no. May I say something here?

Jackson: Sure, why not? Why don't we call a town meeting? Everyone else knows more about this than I do.

Lorelai: Okay, Jackson, I understand why you're upset. But it's not Sookie's fault. It's nobody's fault. It's just the way things happened. The point is, you now know. You're going to be a father. And Sookie wanted to tell you in a way that would be really special to look back on. Now, it couldn't happen like she planned, but you can still try to rescue a nice memory. But you have to decide if you want to look back on the day you found out about your child and look at this.

Jackson: (relenting) No. Of course not. I really am thrilled.

Sookie: Me too. (they walk towards each other.)

Jackson: Lorelai, could you excuse us for a second please.

Lorelai: Thank you!

(Later. Lorelai and Rory meet in front of Doose's.)

Lorelai: So it turns out it was your fault for telling Jess.

Rory: You could tell something to a wall in this town and it would leak.

Lorelai: We're just going to have to start being more careful. 

Rory: Okay. So I'll go get Luke's and you get the gummie worms. 

Lorelai: Sure thing.

(They part ways. Lorelai emerges from the market with the gummie worms but Rory is still talking to Jess. She waits. Luke sees her through the window and leaves the diner, approaching. She shifts nervously for a place to go, but is stuck.)

Luke: Hey.

Lorelai: Hey. 

Luke: Can we talk?

Lorelai; Uh, sure. Just be careful. There are ears everywhere.

Luke: You just learned that?

Lorelai: Guess not. So what's up?

Luke: I just wanted to know, are we going to just ignore what happened, because I'm fine with that. I'd just prefer if it was something we both agreed on to just move on.

Lorelai: Um, you know, Luke, I'm sorry about what happened. I mean, I was flattered by what you said, and I wish I felt the same way about you, but, you know, you're Luke. I just don't see us that way. We're friends.

Luke: Yeah. You're right. 

Lorelai: I'm sorry.

Luke: No. Hey, it's no big deal. Just a crazy idea. (awkward silence) Did you hear about the baby chasing Jess with a dirty diaper?

Lorelai: This town talks about everything else and _this_ is the stuff you don't hear. 

(Luke begins to tell the story, fade out with the two laughing.)

The End


	2. Inn Economic Crisis

By: Stew Pid

Rating: Should be okay for everyone.

Disclaimer: I only own the Stew Pid stuff.

A/N: Special THANKS to all my reviewers, especially my first ;) (thank you, Avid, for all your help and support.)

(Luke's. Upstairs. Jess and Rory are kissing on the couch.)

Rory: (pulling away) Okay. We have to stop now.

Jess: Why?

Rory: Because I'm supposed to be doing my homework, and you promised you wouldn't distract me.

Jess: Well if I told you I intended to fully distract you , would you have come up?

Rory: Very funny. Now seriously, I have to get back to work. I have a test tomorrow and I need to concentrate.

Jess: You care too much about that stuff.

Rory: Yeah, I do. And if you care about me, you should care about the things I care about and you should want me to study so I can do well on this test.

Jess: Fine. Go ahead.

Rory: Thank you.

Jess: You're welcome.

Rory: Don't you have homework to do?

Jess: As a matter of speaking.

Rory: Well, get to it.

(Rory picks up her book and begins to read. Jess pulls out a deck of cards and shuffles them. He puts them down, reaches for Rory's chin, turns it towards him, and kisses her. She drops the book, and they continue kissing.)

(Downstairs. Lorelai walks into the diner and to the counter where Luke is already pouring her coffee.)

Lorelai: Thank you. Have you seen Rory?

Luke: She's upstairs.

Lorelai: What is she doing upstairs?

Luke: Studying with Jess.

Lorelai: And he says that with a straight face.

Luke: What?

Lorelai: They're not studying.

Luke: As a matter of fact, they are. I've been checking in on them. 

Lorelai: Let me ask you something. When you checked on them, did you ever find them reading their books upside down?

Luke: What kind of an idiot do you think I am?

(Rory and Jess come downstairs.)

Jess: So just remember your amphoteric ions and you should be okay.

Rory: Right. Okay. Thanks. (to Lorelai.) Hey, mom. We were just studying upstairs.

(Luke nudges Lorelai)

Jess: (to Luke) I'm out.

Luke: What do you mean you're out? You've hardly worked. I gave you a twenty minute break, and you took thirty.

Jess: Relax, Luke. I'll be back.

Luke: Okay.

Jess: Tonight.

Luke: What?!

Jess: Don't worry. I'll make it in time for closing. (leaves.)

(Rory smiles at Luke sympathetically, then looks at Lorelai who has been giving her a searching stare.)

Rory: What?

Lorelai: Well, it's been a while since I've been in high school, but I'm pretty sure ions are part of chemistry, and you're not taking chemistry this year. (she shoots a quick sneering glance at Luke.)

Rory: Well, no but, chemistry makes its way into a lot of subjects. I mean, look at biology. You have biochemistry.

Lorelai: You're not taking biology either.

Rory: No, but I am taking economics.

Lorelai: Chemistry in economics?

Rory: Yeah. Ecochemistry. 

Lorelai: Ecochemistry?

Rory: It's this new, experimental thing, but Chilton wants us to learn it.

Lorelai: Okay. (Lorelai finishes off her coffee.) All right. Let's go. (They get up to leave.) Oh, and to answer your question, Luke. The kind that makes good coffee. Thanks. (she puts the money on the counter and leaves)

(Later. Gilmore Residence. Lorelai and Rory are on the couch on the verge of tears.)

Rory: Why do we watch this movie when it always makes us cry?

Lorelai: Because we laugh too much at real life.

Rory: Poetic justice, then. Got it. (Lorelai hands her a box of Kleenex from which she takes.)

Lorelai: I can't watch this anymore.

Rory: Neither can I.

Lorelai: You know, maybe we should stop it. I mean, tomorrow we have dinner at grandma's and two evenings of tragedy leaves a lot to make up for on Saturday.

Rory: I'm all for stopping it. (she clicks the remote control to stop the movie.)

Lorelai: Thank you.

Rory: So what now?

Lorelai: Let's see what they're giving. 

(they flick through channels and settle on a Dean Martin-Jerry Lewis flick.)

Lorelai: Ah. The world is right again.

Rory: Yeah. But you know, actually, I should probably get to bed.

Lorelai: Why? It's early.

Rory: Yeah, but I have a test first period tomorrow, so I want to be well rested.

Lorelai: But if that movie is the last thing on your mind before you go to sleep you're going to have bad dreams and it won't be a restful sleep at all.

Rory: It's Dead Poet's Society we're talking about, not the Exorcist.

Lorelai: And did you learn nothing from it besides the fact that green tights didn't work for Peter Pan and they haven't worked for anyone since?

Rory: Let's see. I learned that Walt Whitman can arouse a lot out of impressionable young men even after his death.

Lorelai: Ugh.

Rory: Oh, and it has reaffirmed my appreciation for Robin Williams. I kind of lost it after one too many episodes of Mork and Mindy.

Lorelai: You're hopeless. Go to bed.

Rory: Fine. I'll watch ten minutes.

Lorelai: Didn't I tell you to go to bed?

Rory: But now I want to watch Jerry Lewis.

Lorelai: No. You have a test tomorrow. You have to think about your education.

Rory: This is educational. A study in French culture.

Lorelai: Well, you should have thought about that before you said you wanted to go to bed.

Rory: But I don't want to go to bed now.

Lorelai: But now you have to.

Rory: Fine. But what if I go to my room now and shoot myself? Think about the bad dreams that will give you.

Lorelai: I took the water out of the pistol.

Rory: Drats. Well, good night then. (gets up to leave.)

Lorelai: Hey, where are you going?

Rory: To bed.

Lorelai: Why?

Rory: Let's not start this again. (she sits back down on the couch and the two watch TV.)

(Next day. Independence Inn.)

Lorelai: (on the phone) Really?…Wow…Ten years?…They must have thrown some wild parties there…Okay well, if that's what it's going to take, we'll see what happens…Bye. (hangs up)

Sookie: (coming over with a menu) How does this look to you?

Lorelai: (looking at the menu) Like the Tuesday special's board in heaven.

Sookie: Really? See, 'cause that was the exact effect I was going for.

Lorelai: Why all out this week?

Sookie: Well, the Culinary Arts Connoisseurs' Association is stopping here on their way to judge a contest in Stamford, and I thought I'd give them a memorable experience at Stars Hollow.

Lorelai: Well, that will certainly be memorable.

Sookie: Great. I'm so excited. You know, this could be a great start for _our_ Inn, to have a plaque from the Culinary Arts Connoisseurs' Association recognizing Fran's Inn's cuisine as one of the most exquisite in the town of Stars Hollow.

Lorelai: Well, considering the competition right now is Luke, Al, and you, I don't know how much you want to make of that.

Sookie: Hey, why aren't you as excited about this as I am?

Lorelai: Um, okay. Maybe you better sit down.

Sookie: Uh oh.

Lorelai: Yeah.

Sookie: Um, okay. (Looks for a place to sit. Michel occupies the only chair nearby.) Michel, could I borrow this chair for a second?

Michel: With me on it? Because that is the only way it comes.

Sookie: Do I have to remind you that I'm pregnant?

Michel: Milk that any longer and there won't be any left for the baby. (He gets up and leaves. Sookie sits down.)

Sookie: (to Lorelai) Okay. I'm ready.

Lorelai: Okay, well, I got an interesting call from the contractors. The estimate…

Sookie: Yeah?

Lorelai: Doesn't look good.

Sookie: It needs that much work?

Lorelai: The plumbing alone has been in need of redoing for at least ten years.

Sookie: Wow.

Lorelai: It's going to cost a lot of money. Not to mention all the miscellaneous things we're going to need to get started.

Sookie: So is this doable a lot or impossible a lot?

Lorelai: Well, doable if they ever find that mythic tree money grows on.

Sookie: What are we going to do? Fran already left us the place. We had that whole naming ceremony. People are going to be expecting a Fran's Inn. 

Lorelai: Well, technically, it does already say Fran's Inn. 

Sookie: So we're just going to leave it an abandoned building that says Fran's Inn?

Lorelai: I don't know. It is a good piece of real estate. It's just unfortunately one we can't use.

Sookie: Maybe there's a way we can get the money. We can do some sort of fund-raiser.

Lorelai: Well, what did you have in mind?

Sookie: I don't know. We can raffle a date off with a handsome eligible bachelor.

Lorelai: Even if I were remotely convinced that Michel would go for it, and I don't think anyone else would.

Sookie: We don't have to use Michel. How about Luke?

Lorelai: Luke has nothing to do with the Inn.

Sookie: No, but he's a good friend, and I'm sure if he knew that you were in trouble and needed some help, he'd do anything to lend a hand. 

Lorelai: Okay. Whatever. We're not going to raffle dates anyway. 

Sookie: Well, how about a bake sale? I can do all the baking.

Lorelai: Sookie, we're raising money to open an Inn, not to buy Little League uniforms.

Sookie: So what are we going to do?

Lorelai: I don't think there's anything we can do.

Sookie: Maybe we can get a loan.

Lorelai: I couldn't even get a loan to save my house from termites.

Sookie: Jackson and I can get it.

Lorelai: No. You're about to have a baby. You don't need that kind of thing over your head.

Sookie: We can't just pass up on our Inn. We've been planning this for years and it just started becoming real.

Lorelai: I know. (a melancholy silence. Then Lorelai picks up) Well, you know, let me talk to a few people. Maybe there's a cheaper way to get everything done. 

Sookie: I hope so. (Lorelai puts her arm around Sookie and they walk together to the kitchen)

(Chilton. The students are leaving the classroom. Paris catches up with Rory. Louise and Madeline are right behind her.)

Paris: So, Rory, how do you think you did?

Rory: Okay.

Paris: Okay as in good, or okay as in so-so?

Rory: Paris, we've been through this before, and that's all I'm going to say.

Louise: Well, I'm just glad it's over with and that it's Friday.

Madeline: Me too. Say, what are you guys doing over the weekend?

Louise: I'm seeing Steve this weekend.

Madeline: What about you, Rory? Do you have plans?

Rory: Um, yeah, I do. Why?

Madeline: This is the first weekend in eons that I have nothing to do.

Paris: Pick up a book.

Madeline: Maybe _we_ can do something this weekend, Paris? (to Louise, in a slight whisper) Did I really say that? (Louise nods.)

Paris: I'm sorry, but I have plans this weekend.

Madeline and Louise: Yeah?

Paris: I'm going to Princeton to hear a lecture on bioethics and national policy.

Madeline and Louise: (rolling their eyes) Oh.

Louise: (to Madeline) I'll see if Steve has a friend who's free this weekend. You can come with us.

Madeline: Thanks. 

Louise: Let's go ask him now. (they leave in the other direction.)

Rory: So where did you hear about this Princeton lecture?

Paris: Jamie told me. We were actually arguing about cloning the other day so he thought I'd be interested.

Rory: You two seem to be talking a lot.

Paris: Not really. He called the other day by accident and we got to talking. Then he called me yesterday to tell me about the lecture.

Rory: Huh.

Paris: He's not even going to be there, all right?

Rory: What? I wasn't saying anything.

Paris: Yeah right. (Paris speeds on ahead.)

(Later. Luke's. Lorelai enters and immediately goes to the counter, settling down her purse. Luke comes over.)

Luke: So I had a chance to go over and take a look at the place. I can do all the surface work, but there's also a lot of underground work that needs to be done. It's still going to cost you quite a bit. I know some guys who can do it for cheaper, but we're talking knocking off from an already inflated price. That's the business nowadays.

Lorelai: So in comparison to the estimate they gave me?

Luke: Knock off about 35 percent.

Lorelai: That's still a lot. And it's a lot to ask of you to do all that work.

Luke: Well, I don't mind that. That's not the issue. The question is can you afford that?

Lorelai: No. 

Luke: So what are you going to do?

Lorelai: I don't know yet. I guess I have to think of something. (smiles weakly)

Luke: If there's any way I can help, let me know. 

Lorelai: You can help with some of that coffee. 

Luke: Right away.

(Gilmore Residence. Rory is approaching the door.)

Babette: Hun, could I ask you a favor?

Rory: Did Morey get stuck in the sofa bed again?

Babette: Oh no, no. It's just those damn autumn leaves. You know I love them but I hate them in the fall. Morey was going to rake them but he threw out his back, you heard. I'd do it myself if I could but Lord knows I can't. And tomorrow morning I have some people coming over to look at my pumpkins, and you can barely see them under all these leaves. You know I'd really hate to ask you, but I'll pay…

Rory: No, it's not a problem. Just let me make a quick phone call and I'll be right over.

Babette: Thanks, hun. Ain't you the sweetest.

(Later. Lorelai comes in.)

Lorelai: Rory! (checks Rory's room.) Rory!

(Rory comes is through the front door. Her face, hands, and clothes are dirty.)

Lorelai: You know I'm all for the grunge look but I don't think Richard and Emily Gilmore would approve.

Rory: I was helping Babette with something. I have ten minutes to shower and change.

Lorelai: Can I help with anything?

Rory: Well, you could throw something on these clothes before the stains set in. Oh, and pick me out something to wear. Oh, and throw out anything green or orange in my room.

Lorelai: Got it. Now, go, go. Hurry up. (Lorelai goes to Rory's room and looks through her closet. She pulls out a green skirt with orange floral designs and smiles mischievously.)

(Hartford Gilmore Residence. Lorelai and Rory are walking to the door.)

Rory: I'd hate to bring it up, but you could ask grandma and grandpa.

Lorelai: We're not going there again. This cannot happen every time there's not enough money for something. I refuse to be indebted to them any further.

Rory: But this isn't just about you. There's Sookie and Jackson and the embryo that's inside her and Michel. I mean, Mia is already looking to sell the Independence. So if there's no Fran's Inn, where are you guys going to go?

Lorelai: I don't know, but I'll figure something out. But let's get this straight, we are not asking them. We're not even going to tell them anything that's going on with the Inn. If they ask about it, it's 'what inn? Fran's in? No, I think she's going to be out for a very long time.' Got that?

Rory: Yes, ma'am. 

Lorelai: Good.

(At the dinner table.)

Emily: So I just decided to redo the entire room. I mean, the money it takes these days just to put in a new fixture, one might as well go the whole way and have them put in new everything. I think it's actually cheaper in the long run.

Richard: That's because you're not the one who sits in the den adding up the bills and writing out the checks.

Emily: I will have you know, Richard, that I am an excellent financier. In my years as the DAR treasurer, our finances had never been in better hands. I do just as much calculating as you do. I know every dollar that comes in and out of this house.

Richard: Yes, because I bring it in to you and you take it out.

Emily: I can't believe you are saying that, Richard?

Richard: Emily, I'm not trying to insult you. The reason I work is so that you can spend money however your heart desires. I've always worked hard so that my family doesn't have to. That is what a man does.

Emily: And I suppose you think a woman just spends frivolously and makes no contribution whatsoever to the household.

Richard: Now, Emily, that is not what I said.

Lorelai: But it came kind of close.

Richard: Lorelai!

Lorelai: Sorry. I'll go back to keeping score.

Emily: Let's just drop this discussion.

Richard: I think that's a very good idea.

Emily: For the time being.

Richard: (clearing his throat.) Well, Rory, how is school?

Rory: The status hasn't changed from when we first got here.

Richard: Excellent. And Lorelai, how are things at the Inn? Did I ask you already?

Lorelai: You did.

Emily: No he didn't.

Lorelai: Didn't he?

Emily: He didn't.

Lorelai: He didn't?

Emily: No. He didn't.

Lorelai: (to Richard) Guess you didn't.

Richard: That's right. I didn't. How is it?

Lorelai: Great. Couldn't be better.

Richard: Now, is this the old Inn we're talking about or the new one.

Lorelai: It's a toss up.

Richard: When do you project the grand opening?

Lorelai: Um, I don't really know. You know how these contractors are. Everything is two weeks.

Richard: He told you two weeks?

Emily: The upstairs bathroom is going to take longer than two weeks.

Lorelai: No, well, he didn't exactly say two weeks, but you know, _The Money Pit_.

Richard: Well, I never did check to see the inside of the place, but if it really is a money pit, it is definitely going to take more than two weeks.

Lorelai: No, dad, it's a movie.

Richard: What's that? A moving Inn?

Lorelai: No. _The Money Pit_. 

Richard: You're saying the Inn is a moving money pit.

Lorelai: It's not a money pit. _The Money Pit _is a movie.

Richard: I was asking you about the Inn, Lorelai.

Lorelai: I gather that now. The Inn is doing fine, dad. I don't know when it's going to open, but as soon as I do, I will let you know. 

Emily: Honestly, Lorelai, it's so hard to talk to you sometimes.

Lorelai: Well, just so you know, there'll be no hard feelings if you ever decide to give up the effort.

Emily: Now what is that supposed to mean?

Rory: You know, grandpa, I just remembered, there was something I didn't tell you about school today. You know, the funniest thing happened. (Richard and Emily look at her) Um, yeah, it was really funny. (she looks to Lorelai for help.) Madeline wanted to hang out with Paris for the weekend. (she fakes a laugh terribly.) Yeah, I guess you had to be there.

Richard: And how is Paris?

Rory: She's doing well. She's going to Princeton this weekend to hear a lecture on bioethics.

Richard: Wonderful. Though you know, there are some excellent lectures going on right here in Connecticut this weekend. I was planning on going to one myself. There's an incredibly interesting fellow speaking at Yale on Keynesian economics in the 21st century. How would you like to join me, Rory?

Rory: Wow, grandpa, that sounds great, but I have plans this weekend.

Richard: Worth passing up a lecture by…Emily, do you remember the man's name?

Emily: So I don't know anything about the finances of this house, but I'm supposed to know the names of economists lecturing at Yale.  
Lorelai: It doesn't matter what his name is. She already said she can't go.

Richard: I just thought it'd be a great opportunity for her. A chance for her to get a feel of the campus…

Lorelai: And why would that be a great opportunity for her if she's going to Harvard?

Emily: Oh let's not start this again.

Rory: Okay, everybody, hold up. Mom, lectures are great opportunities in general. Grandpa, I will go with you. Grandma, grandpa really didn't mean to say that you were just a ditz with a credit card…

Emily: Who said anything about ditz?

Lorelai: Apparently, Dad did.

Richard; I most certainly did not. 

Rory: (sighs) The shrimp are really good.

(Gilmore Residence.)

Lorelai: I can't believe you're going to this.

Rory: It's a great opportunity.

Lorelai: What is that. A broken record?

Rory: I was just trying to ease the hostility. I mean, that table was brutal and we never even got to religion and politics.

Lorelai: So I guess it's a good thing I didn't feed you my Pope, Democrat, and a Republican joke. Though I have to tell you, the whole Madeline-Paris bit merited some serious tomato throwing.

Rory: I was under pressure. Stand-up is just not my thing.

Lorelai: Apparently, not even sitting down.

Rory: Can we just forget this night ever happened?

Lorelai: We can. Until tomorrow when Grandma and Grandpa are here ready to go take you to Yale, and you remember you actually agreed to go to a Keynes lecture.

Rory: Well, we did study him briefly last week. And it was either that or come up with some reason why I couldn't go.

Lorelai: You could have told them the truth.

Rory: Being…

Lorelai: You had plans.

Rory: Which were…

Lorelai: Going out with…oh.

Rory: Yeah.

Lorelai: You realize you're going to have to tell them eventually. Unless you plan on dumping Jess before graduation.

Rory: I know. I just didn't feel that table needed any more fuel for conflict.

Lorelai: Yeah. I guess. And I thought I had problems.

(phone rings.)

Rory: I'll get that. (she grabs the phone and takes it to her room) Hello.

Lane: Hey. I'm so excited I forgot you had dinner at your grandma's tonight. How was it? 

Rory: Nothing much. What's up?

Lane: Well, I found this flyer posted outside the music store. They're looking for a drummer.

Rory: Who's they?

Lane: I don't know. It doesn't say. It just says, 'Drummer Wanted. Looking for percussionist with proficient knowledge in wide range of music to complete our ensemble.'

Rory: Well if they're not talking about you, I don't know who they're talking about.

Lane: This is great, isn't it?

Rory: Exciting. 

Lane: So I called and the guy wants to hear me tomorrow at eight.

Rory: Wow. That's great.

Lane: I need an audience, someone besides a stranger there for the only purpose of assessing and critiquing my performance. Miss Patty and Kirk are going to be there, because I needed to borrow her studio to play and for some reason it also comes with Kirk, and it would be great if you could be there.

Rory: Of course I'll be there. What are you going to play?

Lane: Well I have a repertoire of brief segments from the Ramones, Blondie, and the Bangles.

Rory: Nice. (Rory's cell phone rings.) Uh, that's Jess. I'll talk to you later.

Lane: All right. Don't forget about tomorrow.

Rory: I will be there at eight. 

Lane: Oh, seven. I'm starting early with a trial run.

Rory: Okay. I'll see you at seven. Bye. (she looks at the ringing cell phone, sighs and flips it open.)

(Next day. Lorelai and Sookie are walking around town.)

Sookie: So Jackson and I were crunching the numbers and this is really not looking good. I'd hate to call more clouds on a rainy day, but babies are really expensive.

Lorelai: I know. 

Sookie: But this thing won't be around for about another 8 months.

Lorelai: Sookie, stop it. I don't want you two to worry about this. I have something in the works.

Sookie: You do? What?

Lorelai: Well, I applied for another loan. I figured I might have better luck this time, and now that I already have a relationship with my mom's bank, I can use her clout without actually having to go through her. 

Sookie: So have you heard from them?

Lorelai: No. Mr. Hahn is away. And until he comes back, I don't want to think about it. 

Sookie: So where's Rory?

Lorelai: She went with my dad to a lecture at Yale.

Sookie: Really?

Lorelai: Yeah. I wasn't too thrilled about the whole thing, but it just happened so quickly and there was really no easy way out of it, so I decided not to make it any harder on her.

Sookie: Yeah, and it's just a lecture. It doesn't mean she's going to Yale. Rory's heart has been set on Harvard since forever and when she sets her mind on something she really wants, she follows it through.

Lorelai: Yeah. Let's hope it's a Gilmore trait. 

(Later. Gilmore Residence.)

Lorelai: (on the phone.) Well, thanks anyway, Mr. Hahn. No, that won't be necessary.

(Rory comes in.)

Lorelai: Good bye. (hangs up the phone. Tries to put on a genuine smile for Rory.) Hey, kiddo!! (they hug) How was it?

Rory; Not bad. It was pretty interesting, and the campus is amazing. 

Lorelai: Uh, that's good. I guess.

Rory: It is good. But you know what was the best part?

Lorelai: Don't tell me your grandfather started running around with his tie on his head singing Yale spirit chants.

Rory: No, unless I missed it.

Lorelai: So what was the best part?

Rory: Being able to come home after all that. And now I have to get ready because we have to go to Lane's thing.

Lorelai: Yes. That's right. Hurry up, toots. (Rory goes to her room. Lorelai collapses on the couch and puts her face in her hands.)

(Lorelai and Rory are walking to Miss Patty's dance studio. A whole crowd of townspeople are packing in.)

Miss Patty: Hello, ladies. Glad you could make it. Have a seat. The programs are on the side. Help yourselves to refreshements. 

Lorelai: Wow, Patty. This is great. This was really nice of you to do for Lane.

Miss Patty: Well, she's such a sweet kid. She deserves it. It had nothing to do with the prospect of handsome young musicians.

Lorelai: Of course not.

Miss Patty: After all, I'm in a relationship that's getting pretty serious. 

Lorelai: Really?

Miss Patty: In fact, I wanted to talk to you about that.

Lorelai: Believe me, Patty. I'm the last person you want relationship advise from.

Miss Patty: Don't I know it. But it's not that. See, I've been seeing this man for three weeks now, and the guy is crazy about his kids, you know. Borderline obsessed with them. So just to have something to talk about, I'd tell him stories about my kids. I told him I had five of them. 

Lorelai: Yikes.

Miss Patty: I know. Well, his kids are coming to see him this week and he thought it'd be great if all our kids got together. So, I need kids. Not five, of course, but at least one. With maybe a granddaughter.

Lorelai: I see. Wow, Patty. Think about this, though. If you're planning on seeing this relationship through, you're going to have to be honest with him at some point. 

Miss Patty: I know. I figured, if the dinner works well, and we all get along, I'll tell him the truth. That I really don't have five kids and I asked you two to come because I consider you like a daughter and granddaughter anyway.

Lorelai and Rory: (sincerely touched) Aw.

Lorelai: Well, when is this dinner?

Miss Patty: Tomorrow at six.

Lorelai: We'll be there, I guess. (Rory nods)

Miss Patty: Thanks a bunch, dollies. So have a seat. The show is starting soon. 

(Lorelai and Rory sit down and look around. Luke walks in. Lorelai gives him a quizzical look. Luke shrugs and takes a seat. Rory looks around.)

Rory: (to Lorelai) I'll be right back.

Lorelai: Hurry up. You don't want to miss the show start.

(Rory goes to the diner. Jess is serving some few customers.)

Rory: Hey.

Jess: Hey.

Rory: I thought you'd come to Lane's thing.

Jess: I never said I was.

Rory: Luke's there. The whole town's there practically.

Jess: And I'm here.

Rory: Are you angry with me?

Jess: Nope.

Rory: So why don't you come? We haven't really spent time together. Oh, by the way, I'll have to see you early tomorrow because I'm going to be Miss Patty's granddaughter for dinner. (shyly) Sorry.

Jess: Great. I'm going to be busy tomorrow until the evening.

Rory: So when can I see you?

Jess: Don't know. 

Rory: That means I'll hardly have seen you all weekend.

Jess: Not my fault. 

Rory: I wasn't pointing fingers. I just want you to come with me now.

Jess: Look, Rory, I don't want to go. That's not my thing.

Rory: Since when is music not your thing?

Jess: Since it became a reason for all these crazy people to get together and vegetate.

Rory: I think it's great that so many people came to support Lane. I just don't know how they're going to keep Mrs. Kim from finding out about it.

Jess: It's going around as a dress rehearsal for 'Patricia LaCosta's one-woman play.'

Rory: Ah. So come on. There's hardly any people here. Ceasar can take care of it.

Jess: I told you it's not my thing.

Rory: Not even to support Lane?

Jess: She's your friend. Not mine.

Rory: Why are you acting like this?

Jess: Look, Rory, I'm not telling you not to go. Just don't force me to go. Those are your friends, your people, your commitments. I don't have to care about everything you care about. I don't have to care that Babette's leaves are covering her pumpkins, or that your grandfather wants you to hear some dumb lecture at Yale, or that Patty wants you to play her granddaughter, or that your friend is trying out for some stupid band. Just keep me separate from all of that.

Rory: That's not how it works, Jess.

Jess: Really? Let me ask you, Rory. Do your grandparents know about me? (Rory looks down) I didn't think so. Don't get me wrong. You're right about that. I don't want to meet the grandparents and have tea with them after croquet. Just be more consistent. I'm dating you. Not your family. Not this whole damn town.

(He picks up the rest of the plates from a table, and goes to the kitchen. Rory leaves, angrily.)

(Monday evening. There is yet again a crowd at Miss Patty's dance studio, only they're there for a town meeting. Lorelai, Rory, and Lane approach.)

Lorelai: I haven't seen a crowd like this since…Saturday. 

Rory: Which, by the way, I can't seem to say enough how great you were.

Lane: Aw. Thanks. I'm supposed to meet the band leader today. Dave Rygalski. He couldn't make it on Saturday.

Lorelai: Don't worry. The seat's as good as yours, Lane.

Lane: Thanks. (they enter the studio, and move into some seats)

Lorelai: (calling to the front to Miss Patty while Taylor is speaking.) How did it end up with George?

Miss Patty: Are you kidding me? His whole family is obnoxious. It just wasn't going to work.

Lorelai: Well, I don't know. You know, not everyone can be as lovable as we are.

Taylor: Excuse me, I'm speaking here.

Lorelai: Sorry, Taylor.

Taylor: Now, as I was saying, these plastic owls just aren't cutting it. The pigeons are no longer afraid of them.

Babette: Ain't that the truth. The rascals aren't afraid of anything anymore.

Taylor: Well, what are we going to do about it?

Miss Patty: What can you do? Anyway, they say pigeon poop is good luck.

Lane: (to Rory) Who says?

Rory: Someone who obviously has been pooped on so much he had to make it into something good.

Taylor: Anyway. Last on our agenda. As we all know, last week's Fall Festival was a tremendous success. But it has been brought to my attention that its funds can be better utilized to service our community than previously planned. You all remember our beloved Fran. The day of her funeral also marked the celebratory naming of a new Stars Hollow landmark—Fran's Inn. The Council proposes that we use this year's Fall Festival profits towards the restoration and operation of this establishment. All for this proposal, please raise your hands. (everyone besides Lorelai and Rory, who are shocked, raise their hands.) All opposed. (no one raises their hands. Lorelai then does, and stands up.)

Lorelai: Wait a second. What's going on here?

Miss Patty: Well, we heard you were having problems coming up with the money, and we thought, might as well use all that money from the Festival. After all, that Inn will not only be a service to Stars Hollow, but it's a memorial to Fran, and it's your dream, too, and we couldn't think of anyone we'd want to help out more. You're a treasure to our community. 

Lorelai and Rory: (touched) Aww.

(everyone claps.)

Taylor: Well, since that's settled, this meeting is adjourned.

(Outside. Luke congratulates Lorelai and they start talking amongst the rest of the crowd. Sookie is approaching.)

Sookie: Hey. Did I miss anything? 

Lorelai: Oh yeah. I've got some great news for you. 

Sookie: What is it?

Luke: I'll be seeing you. (leaves.)

Lorelai: You're never going to believe it. (they walk off)

(Rory and Lane are standing, talking, as well. A young man approaches.)

Young Man: Lane Kim?

Lane; Yes.

Young Man: Hi, Dave Rygalski. (they shake hands)

Lane: Hi, Dave. This is my friend Rory. (Dave and Rory shake hands.)

Rory: Nice to meet you. I'll talk to you later, Lane. (leaves)

Lane: Okay. (to Dave) So do you want to find a place to sit?

Dave: Yeah, that'd be great. (Lane and Dave walk off in the opposite direction. Rory looks around at the dispersing townspeople with a contented smile. She stops short as her eyes meet Jess'.)

Jess: Hi.

Rory: Hey. 

Jess: How was it?

Rory: The town meeting? Oh, great. Really great.

Jess: Good.

Rory: About the other day…

Jess: Yeah. Um…

Rory: I wasn't trying to force you into anything.

Jess: I know.

Rory: It's just that you're important to me, and I don't want to keep you separate from the things that are important to me. I know there's been friction between you and…well, everyone, but I just wish we could find a middle ground or something.

Jess: You really mean that?

Rory: I do.

Jess: (grins) Follow me.

(The next day. Lorelai and Rory are walking to Luke's.)

Lorelai: You know what this means, don't you?

Rory: What?

Lorelai: We're going to have to start donating to the 'Save the Bridge Fund.'

Rory: You think so?

Lorelai: Look, at some point, whatever drug was in that punch at Lane's practice is going to wear off and they're going to realize what they did and they're going to prepare the pay-back.

Rory: You're a very cynical woman. Have you no faith in the goodness of human nature?

Lorelai: I have even more faith in the effects of spiked punch.

(There is a crowd of people in front of Taylor's store.)

Lorelai: Another crowd. 

Rory: These people are far too gregarious.

Lorelai: Now what is it? (they walk over to have a closer look.)

Lorelai: Kirk, what's going on?

Kirk: Someone replaced Taylor's plastic owl with a Taylor Doose scarecrow.

Lorelai: (looking up at the scarecrow.) Wow. It really does look like Taylor.

Babette: Taylor, I say you should leave it. Look how the pigeons are flying away. It actually works. 

Miss Patty: And it's a wonderful storefront prop. It really looks like you.

Taylor: That is not the point. This is vandalism. This is sick. Do you know what it is to leave your house and find an owl at your door, and come to work and see yourself perched on the roof?

Babette: It's not like you found a horse's head in your bed.

Taylor: Strangely similar, let me tell you. Strangely similar. It takes a sick and twisted mind to do something like this. And don't think I don't know whose mind we're talking about.

Miss Patty: Taylor, he wasn't even at the town meeting. He wouldn't have known about your thing with the owl and the pigeons.

Taylor: He doesn't have to. This type of behavior needs no external inspiration. 

Rory: I don't know Taylor. He was with me the whole time until eleven, and then he was at home. You can even ask Luke. 

Kirk: And it had to be before eleven because I saw the owl in front of your door at 11: 15. His story checks out.

Taylor: Well, I'm going to get to the bottom of this. (Taylor cuts through the crowd. He stops at Lorelai and Rory.)

Taylor: (to Rory) Are you sure he was with you the whole time?

Rory: Positive. (Taylor squints searchingly at Rory, then walks off.)

(In the diner. Rory and Lorelai take a seat.)

Lorelai: But if it wasn't Jess, who could it be? (Luke comes over.)

Rory: Good morning, Luke.

Luke: What are you having?

Lorelai: A Farmer Boy with some coffee.

Rory: Same here.

Lorelai: (Looking through the window as they try to take down the dummy.) I wonder how long it took to make one of those.

Rory: Oh, not long. About twenty minutes.

Lorelai: Is there something you want to tell me?

Rory: Hey, he said the plastic owl wasn't cutting it. We were just trying to help.

Lorelai: (laughing) I can't believe it. Is this how you want to repay them after last night?

Rory: At least now we don't have to donate to the Save the Bridge Fund. See, all is as it was. We've restored equilibrium.

Lorelai: It's like…ecochemistry.

Rory: Exactly.

(They look out the window and laugh.) 


	3. Close Cover Before Striking

By: Stew Pid

Rating: Should be okay for everyone.

Disclaimer: I only own the Stew Pid stuff.

A/N: Hey. This chapter I can tell you right now is not a very good one. I have to get on somewhat of the same page as season 3, and this chapter was sort of about doing that. A lot of it is too familiar to be anything other than boring. Basically, the chapter sucks, but it had to be done. I ask for your patience with it. I tried my best. THANKS always to Avid for everything. And THANKS to all my WONDERFUL reviewers!!

(Rory and Lane are walking around the square.)

Rory: So how's it going with the band?

Lane: Oh, it's amazing. We're not really that good yet, but it hasn't even been two weeks.

Rory: You have to give it time.

Lane: Yeah. Dave is great, though. He said the funniest thing the other day. We were practicing David Bowie's Dead Man Walking, and he stops and says, "Are we going for David Bowie's Dead Man Walking or Sean Penn's?" (Lane cracks up laughing.) I was cracking up.

Rory: (smiling) And still are, apparently.

Lane: Well, it was funny. You don't think so.

Rory: It was funny the first time you told me about it, but then I realized I actually liked Sean Penn in that movie.

Lane: So I told you that one already.

Rory: But it entertains me to watch you so entertained. You really like Dave, huh?

Lane: Well, I think he's pretty cool. He's a great musician. And very sweet. And we have the same sort of work ethic. He's very meticulous. But also easy-going. And…

Rory: Funny?

Lane: That too.

Rory: (smiling, teasingly) You're smitten.

Lane: No, I'm not. I respect him as a musician, as a person. We're compatible…I mean, as band mates.

Rory: (still smiling) Right.

Lane: What do I have to do to get you to stop smiling goofily at me like that?

Rory: Admit you like Dave…I mean, in more than just a platonic sense.

Lane: Maybe just a little.

Rory: Huh.

Lane: Oh all right. I like him a lot. I mean, he's sweet, and nice, and he knows almost more about music than I do.

Rory: That _is _impressive.

Lane: Yeah. And I mean, he's hot. And his smile, ugh. Fine. I'm smitten. I admit it. But it's not going to do any good, because…well, we're just band mates, and I know he doesn't look at me that way, and even if he did, there's still one thing missing.

Rory: What's that? Sounds to me like you guys would be perfect for each other.

Lane: For each other, sure, maybe, why not? But for my mom…

Rory: Ah. That's right. 

Lane: He could be Joe Strummer meets Mother Teresa, but…

Rory and Lane: he's not Korean. 

Rory: Who knows, though? Next month you might be talking about your Big Fat Korean Thanksgiving dinner.

Lane: And Dave will be a dead man walking no one's ever played before.

(Later. Gilmore Residence. Rory is in her room. Lorelai comes in.)

Lorelai: Ugh. 

Rory: What's wrong?

Lorelai: I ate too much pizza.

Rory: I'd hate to say I told you so.

Lorelai: So, how was your day?

Rory: Pretty good. I got an A on that test I took last week.

Lorelai: I'd alert the media, but they're getting pretty tired of that story.

Rory: I chilled with Lane. We were trying to come up with an image for her in the band. 

Lorelai: Oh, cool. What did you come up with?

Rory: We still haven't decided. It can't be anything too outrageous.

Lorelai: Nothing close to Christina Aguilera. Got it.

Rory: Just something cool and rocker-type that she could still return to church with.

Lorelai: How about the boxing nun?

Rory: She can't play the drums in boxing gloves.

Lorelai: True.

Rory: See, it's not so easy.

Lorelai: Well, she could try an Avril LaVigne type of thing. Not Britney Spears, but not hard core either.

Rory: She still hasn't gotten over the fact that she mispronounced David Bowie's name. She's quite frankly lost any respect she might have been able to have for her.

Lorelai: Can't say that I blame her.

Rory: Me either. So, how was your day?

Lorelai: Well, your grandmother canceled the DAR meeting so it was great. 

Rory: I'm happy for you.

Lorelai: Oh, and Mr. Seymour proposed to his girlfriend in our very own dining room.

Rory: That's so nice. Who's Mr. Seymour?

Lorelai: A guest from Vermont I think.

Rory: That's great. Congratulations to the Seymours.

Lorelai: Oh, that's not it. Guess what the girl's name is.

Rory: What?

Lorelai: Ivanna.

Rory: Trump?

Lorelai: Ivanna Seymour.

Rory: Oh. That's not good. She said yes?

Lorelai: She did. My bet is, though, that she'll change her mind when she has to sign the marriage papers.

Rory: Well, who knows. Love is blind.

Lorelai: But it's not deaf.

(the phone rings)

Lorelai: And it's calling now. (leaves)

Rory: (picks up) Hello.

Jess: Hey.

Rory: Hey. How are you?

Jess: Not bad. How was your day?

Rory: Good. Yours?

Jess: Can't complain.

Rory: So what'd you do?

Jess: Not much. How about you?

Rory: I hung out with Lane. She needs an image.

Jess: Why?

Rory: I don't know. It's just fun. 

Jess: Okay. So how'd it go?

(they continue talking)

(Next day. Independence. Lorelai and Michel are both reading something, thoroughly engrossed. Sookie comes over and tries to get a look at it.)

Lorelai: (closing the newspaper and looking at Michel.) Oh my God.

Michel: (dabbing at his eyes.) I know.

Sookie: What?

Lorelai: And I thought things like that only happened in the movies.

Sookie: Things like what?

Michel: Back to my dull, meaningless life without love.

Lorelai: Ugh. (to Sookie) Have you read this?

Sookie: Read what?

Lorelai: (handing Sookie the newspaper) This.

(Sookie starts to read. Almost immediately her eyes well up. She starts to cry.) 

Sookie: This is so beautiful.

Lorelai: (handing her a box of tissues) I know. 

Sookie: A love story like that in the Stars Hollow Gazette?

Lorelai: Yep.

Sookie: Wow. It could be someone we see every day.

Lorelai: Or it wasn't really anyone from Stars Hollow and the most beautiful Stars Hollow love story was actually imported.

Sookie: (sighs.) I'm going to go find Jackson.

(Chilton.)

Teacher: I would ask you to think about the social context of _The Communist Manifesto._ It is published in a very important year in European history. What year is that, Miss Gellar?

Paris: (startled at hearing her name called) Um…I'm not sure Mrs. Pierce?

Teacher: Miss Gellar, I'm surprised at you. Miss Gilmore, would you care to enlighten Miss Gellar here.

Rory: It was published in 1848.

Teacher: Now, Miss Gellar, do you know why 1848 is an important year?

Paris: (humbly) The year of revolution throughout Europe.

Teacher: That's right. Now class, what effect can we infer that this would have…

(Later. Rory is at her locker. Paris comes over. Rory sighs.)

Rory: Paris. That was not my fault. What was I supposed to do? She asked me a question. You know that in the same position, you would have done the same, and enjoyed it. It's been a rough day, so please, if it is at all possible, let's save the ridiculous fight for later.

Paris: Huh? I'm sorry, what fight?

Rory: The fight you were going to start because I answered your question in class.

Paris: I had already forgotten about that. But I'm pleased to know that you're aware that I have every right to be angry with you.

Rory: I'm going to let that go by because it's just not worth it.

Paris: Hmm?

Rory: What is up with you?

Paris: What?

Rory: You're acting mighty strange.

Paris: Look, I have a lot on my mind. Anyway, I just came over to tell you that I'm canceling the Franklin meeting today. I have an art history test and I really didn't get time to study this weekend. 

Rory: Oh, that's right. How was the Princeton lecture?

Paris: (repressing a smile). Um, it was okay. But when I got back, it turns out my mother had decided to remodel upstairs and the construction had just begun. My room is upstairs.

Rory: Ah.

Paris: Not that you needed to know any of that.

Rory: But it's still good to know.

Paris: Yeah. So, okay.

Rory: Bye. (they part ways)

(Luke's. Luke is cleaning the counter when Taylor and a young woman come in. Luke goes over to take their order.)

Luke: What are you having Taylor?

Taylor: A coffee for the young lady, and water for me. You wouldn't, by any chance, have some aspirin, would you?

Luke: This is a diner, Taylor, not a pharmacy.

Taylor: I have a splitting headache. This stuff is driving me crazy.

Luke: Now you know how it feels.

Taylor: Excuse me, where are my manners? Nicole, this is Luke Danes. He's a fellow entrepreneur in the neighborhood. Luke, this is my lawyer, Nicole Leahy. 

Luke: (extends hand) Hey.

Nicole: (shaking hands) Nice to meet you.

Luke: So what's all this about? (to Nicole) 

Taylor: (heatedly) Well I'll tell you what this is about…

Luke: (to Nicole) I walked right into this, didn't I? (she smiles sympathetically)

Taylor: I never thought I'd come to see the day, but one of my tenants is suing me. Can you believe that? If I haven't provided the best housing you can receive in this part of the country, I don't know what more I can do short of building the Trump Towers here in Stars Hollow. You know how meticulous I am about my real estate. I make sure the lawn is mowed, I use safe pesticides, I offer an annual repainting, I respond promptly to any need for repair. I know every rule in the Landlords of Stars Hollow Rule-book.

Luke: Is that the newest book you've written?

Taylor: I'm sure this is all funny to you.

Luke: Yeah, well, what are they suing you for?

Taylor: Apparently there was a weak stair that I "neglected" to fix that gave in.

Luke: Anybody got hurt?

Taylor: She might have sprained her ankle or something, if even that. 

Nicole: She broke her leg, and sustained some injury to her back.

Luke: Ouch.

Taylor: Yes, and that's horrible, but it is not my fault. I was never told about any weak stair. I have my tenants fill out a monthly survey on the apartments and the service they have received. Those that respond have always submitted glowing evaluations.

Nicole: And that will all work to your favor, which is why I wouldn't worry so much about this if I were you. We can probably settle this without even stepping into the courtroom.

Taylor: I certainly hope so.

Luke: Well, I'm gonna get your order. 

Nicole: (smiling) It was nice to meet you.

Luke: Yeah. Same here.

(Rory enters and goes to the counter.)

Rory: Hey, Luke.

Luke: Hey, Rory. How's it going?

Rory: Okay. How are things here?

Luke: Not bad. Would you do me a favor, though, and bring over this coffee to Taylor's. I have to go get some aspirin upstairs.

Rory: Ah. Understood. 

Luke: It's actually not for me. It's for Taylor. What can I say? The world must have titled on its axis.

Rory: You know, I've felt the same way today.

Luke: Yeah. Well, I'll be right back. 

Rory: I'll bring this over.

Luke: Thanks.

(Rory brings the coffee to Taylor's table.)

Rory: (to Taylor) Luke sent this over. He's getting you some aspirin.

Taylor: He's not such a bad man underneath that surly exterior.

Rory: No, he isn't.

Taylor: Rory, this is Nicole Leahy. Nicole, this is Stars Hollow's finest, right here. She's going to Harvard, you know.

Rory: Well, I've only applied. 

Nicole: That's great, Rory. Best of luck.

Rory: Thank you.

Taylor: Rory, I'm being sued by one of my tenants.

Rory: Really? 

Taylor: Shocking, isn't it? (to Nicole) See. No one can believe it. I'm famous in this town for my upstanding service to the community.

Rory: Even notorious. Well, don't worry, Taylor. I'm sure it will settle itself out.

(Luke comes over with water and aspirin.)

Luke: Here you go, Taylor.

Taylor: Thank you. (Luke leaves.)

Rory: Well, I'll let you two get back to business. It was nice meeting you, Miss Leahy, and good luck to both of you.

Nicole: Same here, Rory.

(Rory returns to the counter where Luke is refilling the donut display.)

Rory: Mm. I'll have the cream one.

Luke: (handing her the donut) Here you go. So you're here early.

Rory: Yeah. The Franklin meeting was canceled. Is Jess around, by any chance?

Luke: Nope. He really doesn't get here until a few minutes before you come, works for those few minutes, maybe gets a chance to refill a few cups of coffee and take one order, doesn't even deliver the order before he's out the door with you. And I tell you, I could really have used the help around here.

Rory: Where does he go?

Luke: Geez, in the time he's been here, I've never known what he does when he's out there. So long as I don't here he's up to any trouble, what can I do? I figured he tells you, though, doesn't he?

Rory: He tells me he's working. But if he's not here…

Luke: He's doing something that eventually I'm going to here about and have to pay for. (some people come into the diner) Let me get this order. Help yourself to some coffee. (leaves.)

Rory: Wow. The world really has tilted on its axis.

(Miss Patty's dance studio. Lane and the band waiting outside.)

Zach: Is he almost finished in there?

Lane: I don't know. With Kirk, this could take a while.

Brian: No offense, Lane, but I think we're going to need a new place to practice. When it's not Kirk, it's that dance teacher, and quite frankly, she scares me.

Dave: Me too.

Zach: We end up sitting around waiting for longer than we actually practice.

Lane: I know, I know. And believe me, I'm working on it. 

Brian: My friend said we could use his garage.

Zach: Where is it?

Brian: Hartford.

Lane: I can't do Hartford.

Dave: We could give you a ride.

Lane: Back from hell?

Zach: Is that why they were calling your practice that lady's play or something?

Lane: Yeah. 

Brian: My parents aren't very strict with me. Then again, I'm the middle child.

Zach: Well, looks like we're not going to practice today. I have to get to work.

Brian: And I have homework to do.

Zach: We'll see you tomorrow, Lane.

Dave: Yeah, guys. I really want to get inside this place, though, and see what we can do about the sound. Last time it was pretty week, so I brought some new stuff to see if it would help.

Brian: All right. We'll see you tomorrow, then. 

Dave: Cool.

(Brian and Zach leave.)

Lane: I'm really sorry about this.

Dave: Hey, it's no problem. Um, you wanna get something to eat?

Lane: Yeah, sure. I'm starving.

Dave: Me too.

(they leave.)

(Walking into Luke's)

Lane: I'm not saying it wouldn't have been awesome if they could have worked things out. I just think that we wouldn't have had Vintage Violence and Guts if John Cale stood with Velvet Underground. A lot of music was made by Velvet Underground that Lou Reed and the gang never did.

Dave: Nico and Cale.

Lane: Exactly.

Dave: It's just the "what if."

Lane: Yeah, but you can't live life on what if.

Rory: (from the counter) Sounds like an interesting philosophical discussion you guys are having.

Lane: Hey, Rory. I didn't see you. Let's get a table. (the three move to a table)

Rory: Hi, Dave.

Dave: Hey, Rory. How's it going?

Rory: All right. You guys saved me from calculus homework.

Dave: And I thought it wouldn't work when I left my cape at home. 

Lane: You're here early, aren't you?

Rory: Yeah. The Franklin meeting was canceled. (to Dave) School newspaper.

Dave: Right.

Rory: So how was practice?

Lane: It never happened. Kirk's still there.

Rory: Oh, I'm sorry.

Lane: By the way, Miss Patty posted an official announcement that she did not submit the anonymous story to the newspaper. It wasn't her.

Rory: Oh, did you read it?

Lane: Yeah. You know, my mom sold her the box.

Rory: Come again?

Lane: You remember when she's talking about the little gifts he used to give her, all of which she keeps in a letterbox she bought from a woman who said it belonged to Mrs. Patrick Campbell, and even though she didn't believe the story she bought it…

Rory: (quoting) 'Determined that the box would hold the relics of a great love affair just yet.' I remember now. 

Lane: Well, my mom said she had a letterbox that _supposedly _belonged to Mrs. Patrick Campbell that she sold a long time ago. 

Rory: Wow. So it's true.

Lane: I wonder who it is.

Rory: I don't know, but it's a really cool mystery.

Lane: Oh no. My mom. I was supposed to be at Bible study two minutes ago. (They all look as Mrs. Kim comes into the diner.)

Mrs. Kim: Lane!

Lane: Mama.

Mrs. Kim: What are you doing? Who is this boy?

Dave: Hello. You must be Mrs. Kim. I'm Dave Rygalski. 

Mrs. Kim: What are you doing with Lane?

Dave: Actually, Mrs. Kim, I just met Lane today. Rory here is my calculus tutor, and we were studying and she introduced me to Lane. Lane was saying that she had to go to Bible study today, and it was such a coincidence because I was having a discussion with my family about…(looks to Lane for help. She shrugs)…Jesus…and…his miracles and I asked Lane to explain it to me. I'm sorry I held her up.

Mrs. Kim: What don't you understand?

Dave: Well…um…just…how did he do all those things?

Mrs. Kim: He's God.

Dave: Oh. (to Lane) So that's what you were saying. It makes sense now. Thanks, Mrs. Kim. So, I learned some calculus and some theology. This was a very productive day. So I'm going to go now, and yeah. Bye Rory. Nice meeting you, Lane. (extends his hand. Lane takes it.) And it was a pleasure meeting you, Mrs. Kim. Thanks again.

(leaves)

Mrs. Kim: You should have told him to come to the Bible study with you.

Lane: Really?

Mrs. Kim: It looks like he could really use it.

Lane: Oh, yeah, that's right. Well, I'll see you later, Rory. 

Rory: Bye, Lane. Bye, Mrs. Kim.

(Just as they leave, Lorelai enters the diner.)

Rory: Hey, finally. Where were you?

Lorelai: Uh, working.

Rory: Seems to be everyone's alibi.

Lorelai: What?

Rory: Forget it.

Lorelai: It's forgotten. Have you been here long?

Rory: Yeah. The Franklin meeting was canceled today.

Lorelai: What miracle was that?

Rory: Luke and I have decided the world has titled on its axis, and thus Paris was uncharacteristically very unfocused, and Luke had to give Taylor aspirin.

Lorelai: Huh?

Rory: Taylor's being sued.

Lorelai: Wow. Who's suing him?

Rory: A tenant. There was an accident on the property.

Lorelai: What's the world coming to when even Taylor's apartments aren't safe?

Rory: I just don't know.

Lorelai: Speaking of miracles, why aren't you with Jess?

Rory: I don't know. He's not here.

Lorelai: Well, where is he?

Rory: (curtly) I don't know.

Lorelai: Okay then.

(Luke comes over.)

Luke: So what will it be?

Rory: I'll have a refill of coffee.

Lorelai: And I'll have my first fill of coffee. With a burger on the side, please. (to Rory) How about you? 

Rory: I already ate.

(her cell phone rings.)

Rory: (picks up) Hello.

Jess: Hey.

Rory: Where are you?

Jess: Listen, I'm running late. I'll call you later tonight. Gotta go.

Rory: Wait. (hears the click on the other end.) (to Luke) That was Jess. He's running late.

Luke: I'm sorry.

Rory: It's all right.

Luke: I'll get your order. (leaves)

Lorelai: So what's going on with you two?

Rory: I don't know. 

Lorelai: You seemed fine the other night.

Rory: We were fine. At least, I thought we were fine. And then today, I didn't have the Franklin and so I come here, expecting to find Jess and he's not here. Every other week when I've come from the Franklin, I find him here, and when I ask him about his day, he basically just says school and work. Now I find out from Luke that he's not here until a few minutes before I come. And I'm sitting here realizing I don't know what Jess does when he's not with me. I don't know anything about his life. I mean, I walked all over Stars Hollow, checked the bridge, everywhere to see if I'd see him around. No where. And it's not fair because he knows everything about my day, what days I have the Franklin, what days I have student council, when I hang out with Lane, when I'm helping at the Inn. He knows everything, with details. And I don't know anything.

Lorelai: Well, have you asked?

Rory: I ask about his day. He's not very forthcoming.

Lorelai: No. I didn't think so. Well, for what it's worth, I'm sure he's not doing anything you need to worry about. Something Luke needs to worry about, that's a different story.

(the diner phone rings.)

Lorelai: And here it is.

Luke: (picks up) Hello. Oh, Ms. Leahy…all right, Nicole. What can I do for you?…He wants what?…No, see, you don't understand, we're not friends. If it were up to me, we wouldn't even be acquaintances…Is this really necessary?…Yeah, well, that sounds like Taylor…I understand. Let's just hope it doesn't come to that…All right. Thanks for calling. Bye.

(returns to the table with their order)

Lorelai: What was that all about?

Luke: That was Taylor's lawyers. Taylor wants to have a strategy already for the trial and they want me to be a character witness.

Lorelai: Have they heard what you grumble about Taylor behind his back?

Luke: Yeah, but I'm just not supposed to say those things until I leave the witness stand. Then I can grumble all I want. It might not even come to that. Nicole thinks they'll be able to arrange a settlement.

Lorelai: Nicole?

Luke: Taylor's lawyer.

Lorelai: You're on a first-name basis with Taylor's lawyer.

Luke: Well, I figured it'd be a good thing to be friendly with her for when my chance to sue Taylor comes.

Lorelai: Ah. Good thinking.

(Later. Lorelai and Rory are walking back home.) 

Rory: So it seems there's a lot of love in the air in Stars Hollow.

Lorelai: Lane and Dave?

Rory: Yeah. Luke and Nicole.

Lorelai: Yeah? You think so.

Rory: I met her. She's very pretty. And she was definitely into Luke. 

Lorelai: You think he likes her?

Rory: He might.

Lorelai: Hm. Well, that's good. 

Lane: (running up to them) Rory!

Lorelai: Hey, Lane.

Rory: Hey. How did everything go?

Lane: Wasn't Dave just incredible today?

Rory: That he was.

Lane: How could I not love this guy?

Rory: It would be very hard, I imagine.

Lane: What am I going to do?

Rory: This might be one of those rare occasions where honesty is the best way to go.

Lane: But what if he doesn't like me?

Rory: I don't think you have to worry about that.

Lorelai: It's not every day you find a guy willing to suck up to your mom in order to bail you out and manage to make a complete idiot of himself in the process.

Lane: So true. Well, I just have to work up the courage to do it. 

Rory: You can do it, Lane.

Lorelai: We'll be rooting for you.

Lane: Thanks. Well, I better go. Good night.

Rory and Lorelai: Good night.

Rory: And good luck.

Lane: Thanks. (leaves.)

(Lorelai and Rory enter their house. Lorelai checks the answering machine. There is one message, just the sound of a click on the other end.)

Lorelai: Well, that's Jess.

Rory: Huh.

Lorelai: So what are you going to do?

Rory: I'm going to get ready for bed, get a little reading in, and go to sleep.

Lorelai: Sounds good. But you know, this might be one of those rare occasions where honesty is the best way to go.

(the phone rings. Rory sighs and takes the phone to her room.)

Rory: (picks up) Hello.

Paris: I need to talk to you.

Rory: Hey, Paris. What's up?

Paris: I can't do this anymore.

Rory: Do what?

Paris: This weekend, at the Princeton lecture, Jamie wasn't supposed to be there, but he showed up and I had a really good time. I think I like him. I can't stop thinking about him. I have to focus on this art history test tomorrow, but I just can't. I can't be like this. How do I get it to stop?

Rory: Well, have you told Jamie how you feel?

Paris: No. Why would I do that?

Rory: Well, maybe if he knew how you felt and you knew how he felt, you'd feel better and you'd be able to focus more on your work.

Paris: Or I'd be heartbroken, and unfocused and depressed.

Rory: Paris, he likes you. He asked for your number, he lured you to a lecture, and then showed up to be with you. He likes you.

Paris: You really think so.

Rory: Yes.

Paris: But he's in Princeton.

Rory: Well, you'll just have to attend some more of those lectures.

Paris: (smiling) Well, I have studying to do. I have to go. 

Rory: Good luck with everything.

Paris: Yeah. Um, thanks.

Rory: No problem.

(In the Gellar residence, Paris stares nervously at the phone. Over at the Gilmore residence, Rory looks at it worriedly. At the Kim residence, Lane actually picks it up.)

Dave: Hello. This is Dave speaking.

Lane: Hi, Dave. This is Lane.

Dave: Oh, hey Lane. What's up?

Lane: Nothing much. I just wanted to thank you for today. You really saved me.

Dave: I do better without my cape than with it, I guess.

Lane: Yeah. So…

Dave: Listen, Lane. I was just hung up on another 'what if' just now.

Lane: Yeah? What?

Dave: I was wondering, what if I asked you out.

Lane: I'd say yes.

Dave: And I'd be really happy.

Lane: So would I.

Dave: So, it's good to know how that would work out.

Lane: Yeah.

Dave: Lane?

Lane: Yes?

Dave: Would you like to go out some time?

Lane: Yes. (smiles spread on both faces)

(Luke's. Upstairs. Jess is rummaging through things. Luke comes up.)

Luke: Hey. Where were you today?

Jess: Out. Where are the matches?

Luke: I've got some downstairs. But you're not smoking in this house.

Jess: I know.

Luke: Now, I asked you a question.

Jess: And I gave you an answer.   
Luke: 'Out' is not an answer.

Jess: Look, what do you need to know for? I didn't get into any trouble.

Luke: Rory got here early from school today. She thought you worked the diner before you met with her. You don't even tell _her_ anything?

Jess: What can I say? I'm not used to having people hounding down my back all the time.

Luke: You're not cheating on her, are you?

Jess: What?! No.

Luke: Let me ask you something, Jess. Except for today you always come to the diner a few minutes before Rory does. Is that just coincidence?

Jess: No.

Luke: And how do you know she'll be there then.

Jess: Because she told me she would. 

Luke: You mean, you kind of know her schedule?

Jess: What's your point?

Luke: My point is that Rory is open with you about the facts of her life. You owe her the same. You want to be a jerk with me about that stuff, fine. But don't do that to Rory.

Jess: I told her I was working.

Luke: Do you forget that I'm actually at the diner even when you're not?

Jess: So I'm not working at the diner all the time. I'm still working.

Luke: Where?

Jess: None of your business.

Luke: If you're working a corner somewhere, it is my business.

Jess: Jesus. This is ridiculous.

Luke: Where are you working?

Jess: At Wal-mart.

Luke: Wal-mart?

Jess: I go in after school and work a few hours, and I catch a few hours on the weekend.

Luke: Wal-mart?

Jess: Get over it.

Luke: Wal-mart.

Jess: (finds some matches) I gotta go.

Luke: You? At Wal-mart?

Jess: I'm out. (leaves)

(Outside. Jess is about to light his cigarette. Rory approaches.)

Rory: Hey.

Jess: Hey. I called, but…

Rory: I know. Where were you?

Jess: Working. (sees Rory frown) At Wal-mart.

Rory: Wal-mart? 

Jess: Please don't start. I got a part time job so that I could make some extra cash.

Rory: That's like Jack London doing grape-juice commercials. 

Jess: Well, now you know why I like him.

Rory: Why couldn't you tell me this before?

Jess: I didn't want Luke to find out. But he knows now, so it doesn't matter.

Rory: You missed a lot today. 

Jess: Yeah?

Rory: Yeah. 

(Jess puts his arm behind Rory's waist, and slips the cigarette and matches in his back pocket as they walk away together, talking.)

(Next day. Lorelai and Rory and Lane are entering Luke's.)

Lane: So we're dating.

Rory: That's great, Lane.

Lorelai: Yeah. It's like Sonny and Cher, Stevie Nicks and Lindsey Buckingham…

Lane: Well, let's hope it goes better than those relationships did.

Rory: Of course.

(Kirk comes in and over to their table.)

Kirk: Lane, I'm sorry I took so long yesterday. I'm working on my next film. It just came to me yesterday, and I had a lot to do to start it off.

Lane: It's okay, Kirk.

Lorelai: What's the movie about?

Kirk: A Stars Hollow Love Story. Since that story I submitted in the paper was such a hit, I decided to turn it into a full-scale cinematic production.

Rory: What?

Lorelai: You're the girl?

Kirk: She's actually a fictional character I made up. I decided to make it from a female perspective since women are statistically more into that kind of thing. See, I'm taking a class in writing romance. It was actually one of the assignments and my teacher said I should submit it to a magazine. By the way, Lorelai, you know someone at _The New Yorker_, don't you?

Lorelai: Uh…

Kirk: I'll call you later. I might have parts for you all in my movie.

Rory: You mean the story wasn't true?

Kirk: It was veritable. I compiled different aspects of the town romances, would-be romances, could-be romances, should-be romances…

Lane: What about the box? 

Kirk: Well, my mom bought a box like that a while ago. And the Honeymooners episode the other night was the one where Ralph and Trixie get Alice the same box handmade of 2000 matchsticks, one of a kind. 

Lorelai: So the greatest Stars Hollow romance never happened?

Kirk: I'm afraid not.

Lorelai: Huh.

Rory: Well, I have to go to school. I think the world has officially realigned. 

Lorelai: Bye, sweetie. Bye, Lane. 

(Rory waves to Jess whose hands are full with dishes. He winks at her, and she leaves with Lane. Lorelai goes to the register to pay for the meal. Luke is on the phone.)

Luke: A statement? About what?…Fine. Listen, I'm going to have to call you back…Bye.

Lorelai: Nicole, I'm assuming?

Luke: Yeah. She wants me to sign a statement.

Lorelai: About what?

Luke: I don't know.

Lorelai: You're really enjoying this, aren't you?

Luke: Are you kidding me? This is Taylor we're talking about here.

Lorelai: Which all the more proves you're enjoying it. If this was about Taylor you would have said no and just hung up on her. You like her. 

Luke: That'll be $7.95.

Lorelai: Here you go. Keep the change. You might need it for your date. (leaves. Luke follows her out.)

Luke: Lorelai, I need to talk to you.

Lorelai: Didn't seem like you wanted to in there?

Luke: You know, I'd hate to bring it up again, but one thing's been bugging me.

Lorelai: Is this about the…?

Luke: Yeah.

Lorelai: I thought we were going to move on. 

Luke: I know. And I'm fine with that. It's just that I remembered, I wasn't the one who kissed you first.

Lorelai: I know.

Luke: So what was that about?

Lorelai: I don't know. I broke it off with Bill and had spent the rest of that evening having to talk to my mother about it, and I guess a part of me wanted still to be in a relationship like that, I wasn't even thinking about the person. And then I did, and I'm sorry, Luke. I shouldn't have done that to you.

Luke: No, hey, I understand. And like I said, I'm fine with it. It's not even that serious. I just figured…well, anyway. No big deal. It's settled now. Forgotten. Moving on.

Lorelai: Okay. Me too.

Luke: Yeah. Well, I'll see you.

Lorelai: Yeah. Take care.

Luke: Yep. 

(Lorelai leaves and Luke goes back in the diner. He picks up the phone.)

Luke: Hey, Nicole…

The End.


	4. Quadruple Dog Date

By: Stew Pid

Rating: Should be okay.

Disclaimer: I only own the Stew Pid stuff.

A/N: MILLIONS of THANKS to my reviewers. You guys blow me away. I'm sorry this chapter took so long. I had been sick last week and this week was just too hot. See, I don't have an AC in my apartment and no fan in my room, and I couldn't work in these conditions. It cooled down this week, but my brain was still fried from the not-so-gone heat wave when I wrote this, and if it's at all possible, this chapter is probably more convoluted than the previous ones. Speaking of the previous chapters, when I was going over the last chapter again to reacquaint myself with the fic, I noticed a lot of typos that I had been forewarned about (thanks, Avid, and I'm sorry I didn't pay closer heed) but then forgot about. I could change it now, but I'm still semi-lethargic. Anyway, my apologies. Hopefully this one doesn't have that many. I'll be more careful in the future. Thanks for your patience with me. I'm really trying to do better. Anyway, on with the fic. (retreats to the soft purr of the imaginary fan)

(Luke's. Upstairs. Jess is eating in front of the TV. Luke is at the table, eating, with books and papers all around him.)

Jess: Hey, Luke. Name something people do when nervous speaking in public.

Luke: (offhandedly) Picture everybody naked.

Jess: They said that already. Number 1 answer.

Luke: So what do they need another one for?

Jess: I don't know. It's the way the game goes.

Luke: All right. I have one for you.

Jess: One what?

Luke: Name someplace you take a…sort of a business woman for…well, sort of a casual first…meeting. Well, not a first meeting. You've met before but she was with Taylor and so…well, this would be your first time meeting her just the two of you.

Jess: Well, despite the fact that you both share a history of ample flannel, you're no Richard Karn.

Luke: Forget it.

Jess: This is about Taylor's goon?

Luke: She's not Taylor's goon. Taylor happens to be a client of the firm she happens to work for.

Jess: And you happen to sound ridiculous.

Luke: And you just might happen to come across an unfortunate accident that my fingerprints might happen to be all over.

Jess: So you asked the suit out?

Luke: No…Not really… Well, sort of.

Jess: If you don't know if you asked her out, how's she supposed to.

Luke: I told her I thought we could get together and go over my testimony.

Jess: Luke, I'm surprised at you. On the first date?

Luke: Shut up. Forget it.

Jess: Seriously, what are you worried about? The woman's spent most of the week with Taylor. You know her expectations have to be low now.

Luke: Yeah, well, still. You know, she's different. She wears suits to work. She drinks mint tea.

Jess: So take burping "Row your boat" out of your charm routine.

Luke: Oh you're a regular riot.

Jess: And refrain from the Honeymooners quote. Too blue-collar, don't you agree?

Luke: I'm ignoring you.

Jess: And if all else fails, picture her naked.

Luke: Look, I'm not nervous. Just forget I said anything. (Luke gets up to go downstairs.)

Jess: (calls back at him) Who said anything about being nervous?

(Luke shakes his head and leaves.)

(Next day. Gilmore Residence. Lorelai walks into the kitchen, the residue of sleep still smeared all over her. Rory is standing at the counter, sipping coffee while reading the newspaper.)

Lorelai: Ugh.

Rory: (through a sip of coffee) Mm.

Lorelai: (pours herself coffee and then drinks. Her face cringes.) Gah.

Rory: Hmm? (looks at Lorelai and sees what she has done.) Ah. (takes the mug from Lorelai, adds sugar, and returns it)

Lorelai: (sipping the coffee) Mmm. (inhales the fumes) Aah. (Lorelai looks at the clock and points at the time.)

Rory: (nodding her head) Uh huh. (she puts her mug in the sink and takes her book-bag.) Bye mom.

Lorelai: Bye, hun.

(Chilton. The Franklin staff is assembled in a classroom. Rory comes in.)

Paris: Miss Gilmore, how nice of you to join us.

Rory: (dead-pan) Nice to have you back, Paris.

Paris: Please take a seat, Rory. Now, I thank you all for coming to school so early for this emergency meeting. I apologize that I had to cancel the last one. I can assure you, it won't happen again. You are all perhaps wondering why I called this _emergency _meeting. Well, ladies and gentleman, I am pleased to say that I have discovered the story of the year. This is a project of investigative research, tough-hitting interviews, hard-driving reporting. The class of 2003: Behind the books. This is an ongoing story. Each week we'll feature a new piece. This is going to have everything. Unsolved mysteries like the girl that sat at the back of the class freshman year who suddenly disappeared without a word. Confessed secrets, human interest stories. Now everyone, please take an assignment from the pile. Let's get to work, people.

(Rory goes to grab a paper.)

Paris: Miss Gilmore, I have your assignment right here.

Rory: (takes the paper and looks at it.) Huh. Morrie the janitor.

Paris: Do you have a problem with that?

Rory: No. It's just that his name is actually Morty.

Paris: Well, that's the kind of accuracy we need for this piece.

Rory: Not really part of the class of 2003, though, is he?

Paris: He's a part of our Chilton experience. A valid part, I think. Unless you disagree?

Rory: Paris, what is this really about?

Paris: If you'd like another assignment, that's fine. Only it won't be part of this particular project. But we do need someone to do our advice column. I'm sure you'd love that, wouldn't you?

Rory: I take it you talked to Jamie.

Paris: (walking to a computer) I must have been insane to take your advice.

Rory: (following her) What did he say?

Paris: He hasn't said anything. I left a message. 

Rory: He hasn't called you back?

Paris: He might have, but I didn't answer.

Rory: Huh. So you're angry with me because I gave you advice that you only partially followed and has ended so far in really nothing at all.

Paris: You made me act like some gum-chewing, N'Sync humming bimbo. And now Jamie has lost all respect for me.

Rory: First of all, I didn't twist your arm, and let's remember who asked whom for advice. Secondly, you're nowhere near a gum-chewing, N'Sync humming bimbo. Thirdly, you don't know what Jamie thinks about you because you didn't take any of his calls. (a moment's silence. Paris then looks down into her file.)

Paris: There's a Vegan who wasn't exempt from any of the uniform regulations. You know, the wool, the leather. You might want to get her story. Take whatever angle you want. (hands her a paper.)

Rory: Okay. (smiles.)

(Stars Hollow High. Lane is at her locker, struggling to get it open. She finally opens it and all her books fall on the floor. She gets on the floor to pick them up.)

Voice: Need some help?

Lane: (looks up) Hey, Dean. (He stoops down to pick up her books.) Thanks. (All the books are recovered and they stand.)

Dean: So how have you been? Are you still in the band?

Lane: Yeah, yeah. 

Dean: How's it going?

Lane: Great. It's been a blast.

Dean: I'd love to hear you guys sometime.

Lane: Well, right now we've still been practicing. I'm not sure we're ready for an audience. But I'll keep you posted.

Dean: Great. Thanks.

Lane: Thank _you_. For being interested, I mean.

Dean: Of course.

Lane: And how have you been?

Dean: I've been all right.

Lane: I hear you've got Mrs. Webster for history again.

Dean: Yeah. You heard right.

Lane: Oh my God. How is that?

Dean: It's Mrs. Webster.

Lane: You remember sophomore year, me, you, and Rory before one of her exams?

Dean: (softly) Yeah, I remember.

Lane: (awkward) Yeah, well. Listen, if you need a study partner, I can give you Mr. Stokes' more sober version of the class.

Dean: Thanks. I should get to class now. I'll see you around.

Lane: Okay. Bye.

(She gets her books in her locker and closes it. Remembers.) Oh, my book! (she struggles again to open her locker.)

Voice: Need some help?

Lane: Oh. Hi, Jess. This stupid locker.

Jess: Allow me. (he hits three strategic locations on the locker and it opens. The books once again fall out.) Later. (He steps over the books and retreats down the hall.)

Lane: (mutters) Thanks. (she sighs and bends to pick up her books again.)

(Independence Inn. Lorelai and Michel and some other employees are at the front desk. Sookie comes over from the kitchen.)

Sookie: (to Lorelai) You rang.

Lorelai: Yes. Okay. Listen up, guys. Tomorrow we're going to have some potential buyers Mia is sending over. So Sookie, I need you to prepare one of your fabulous lunches for them. Everyone, we have to look our best tomorrow. 

Michel: You mean no Hawaiian shirts and Bermuda shorts anymore?

Lorelai: You know what I mean. The better we look, the better the Inn looks. Okay. So that's it. As you were. (the crowd disperses. Sookie and Lorelai walk to the kitchen.)

Sookie: Wow. So they're actually going to buy this place right from under us.

Lorelai: No, not right from under us. We do have another place, and Mia said we'd have plenty of time to get ourselves started over there before we had to leave here. It all works out.

Sookie: I wonder what those people plan on doing with the place.

Lorelai: I don't know. Hopefully it won't be another Inn because we don't really need the competition.

Sookie: Maybe it'll be one of those chain mini-marts that also sell the Slurpies.

Lorelai: Come to think of it, there's no place to buy a Slurpie in Stars Hollow.

Sookie: That's what I'm saying.

Lorelai: So, see, it's all for the best.

Sookie: Yeah. 

(both smile weakly at each other.)

(Later. Gilmore Residence. Rory comes through the front door.)

Rory: Hey mom, I'm home.

Lorelai: (coming out from the kitchen) Hey. Where were you?

Rory: I was doing some work on a Franklin article.

Lorelai: Well, grab a pencil and get over here.

Rory: (pulls out a pencil from her book-bag and goes to the kitchen.) Why?

Lorelai: I'm trying to calculate all this stuff for the new Inn. 

Rory: So what have you got so far?

Lorelai: A headache.

Rory: But what have you been figuring?

Lorelai: How they get the cream filling inside a Hostess cupcake?

Rory: (looking through the sheets) You haven't calculated any of this.

Lorelai: Well, I was waiting for you to get here.

Rory: No fair. 

Lorelai: Hey, I ordered Luke's.

Rory: Did you get curly fries?

Lorelai: Yes, I did. See, I'm nice.

Rory: Okay. So let's get to this. (takes a seat.)

Lorelai: What are you doing?

Rory: I thought you wanted to work on this stuff.

Lorelai: You do have to pick up the food.

Rory: No fair.

Lorelai: Sometimes life just isn't.

Rory: Fine. I'll get the food but I'm not going to do any of this work. If you want, I will check it over when you're done, but justice must be served, and you're going to have to do it on your own, missy.

Lorelai: No fair.

Rory: Sometimes life just isn't. Now get to work. I'll be back.

(Rory is about to leave. She opens the door, and Jess is standing there with bags of food.)

Jess: You know, you could wait for me to ring the doorbell.

Rory: You brought the food.

Jess: It's been lying around in the diner for twenty minutes. You order it, you pay for it.

Lorelai: (coming into the living room) Rory, are you still…(sees them)…here?

Rory: Um, yeah. Jess brought the food.

Lorelai: Oh. Great. I'll get the money.

Rory: (to Jess) Do you want to come in? We have curly fries.

Lorelai: (not too enthused, but consenting) Uh, yeah. Why don't you come in, Jess? There's plenty.

Jess: Well, if you insist, Miss Gilmore. (he steps inside.)

Lorelai: Well, I don't actually _insist_, but don't let that stop you.

(The three proceed to the kitchen where Lorelai and Jess unload the food while Rory gets plates and cups.)

Lorelai: So Jess, how's school going?

Jess: Somehow inexplicably.

Lorelai: Huh.

Rory: (clearing up the papers from the table) Mom and I were going to figure out some calculations for the new Inn.

Jess: (to Lorelai) How's it going?

Lorelai: Well, looks like we have all the money for everything. Now we just have to figure out how much goes where and start calling people to get the work done, now that we're sure we can pay them.

Jess: Huh.

(There is an awkward silence as they set the table and start to eat.)

Rory: This is nice. We should do this more often.

Lorelai: Eat with our mouths closed?

Rory: No. I mean the three of us, having dinner together. It's very nice. 

Lorelai: Okay. (Silence resumes).

Rory: Some conversation would be even nicer.

Lorelai: What's there to talk about?

Rory: I don't know. Anything. Nothing. 

Lorelai: Jess, do you know anything?

Jess: I know nothing.

Lorelai: How is nothing?

Jess: Fine by me.

Lorelai: Well, that covers anything and nothing.

Rory: You two are impossible.

Lorelai: Okay, fine. Jess, we _should _talk. You and Rory have been dating for quite a while now. Now, dating my daughter does not come free. See, as a parent, I could easily makes rules and restrictions on Rory's dating, more than I actually do. In return for this leniency I ask for only one thing. Some simple services around the house every now and then…

Jess: Doesn't this speech work better with the fur coat and plumed hat?

Lorelai: You know, curly fries taste so good with hot sauce and I have this really great hot sauce, but it's in the basement on this high shelf. So…

Rory: Why would you keep hot sauce in the basement?

Lorelai: Because Sookie said that if you store it underground in a moist place, it improves the taste.

Rory: Isn't that for wine?

Lorelai: What makes you think grapes and bonnet peppers are much different?

Rory: Oh let's see. One's a fruit, the other's a vegetable.

Lorelai: So what do you say, Jess?

Rory: One's sweet, the other's sour.

Jess: No.

Rory: One grows on vines, the other grows on shrubs.

Lorelai: Dean would have done it.

Rory: Mom.

Lorelai: Then again, Dean would have been able to reach it. You're right. Forget about it.

Rory: Mom!

Lorelai: (to Rory) Shh! I'm using all my ammo.

Jess: Get it yourself.

Lorelai: I guess ketchup will have to do. 

Rory: Now that that's settled, what's for dessert?

Lorelai: I don't know. I told Luke to surprise me.

Rory: You actually ventured that? It's probably bran cookies or something.

Jess: I packed some cheesecake.

Lorelai: Cheesecake?

Jess: (shrugs) Worked for the Golden Girls.

Lorelai: Yeah, but then again, a lot of things worked for them that don't work for your average person. I mean, Blanch got more action in her 60s than…Cher in her 40s. Hmm.

Jess: Blanch was all talk. Dorothy got most of the action.

Rory: How do you figure?

Jess: The taller woman is every man's fantasy.

Lorelai: (twirling a curly fry in ketchup, dourly) And for you, she shouldn't be too hard to find.

Jess: Fine. I'll get the stupid hot sauce.

(leaves the table. Rory looks at her mother scoldingly, then the two smile roguishly at each other.)

(Later. Jess has left. Lorelai and Rory are at the table calculating figures.)

Rory: I can't believe how much money a toilet costs.

Lorelai: Yep. 

Rory: Well, I guess this is the price of keeping away another epidemic of the Black Death.

Lorelai: That's a way of looking on the bright side.

Rory: (returning to the papers.) And that's just to buy the toilet. Then you have to pay to install.

Lorelai: Yep. Now, when the Harvard financial aid people ask you what happened to your money, you can just say it went down the toilet.

(Rory nods. The phone rings.)

Rory: I got it.

Lorelai: Tell Jess to become a plumber.

(Rory picks up the phone.)

Rory: Hello.

Paris: He called.

Rory: Jamie?

Paris: No, Carrot Top.

Rory: So what did he say?

Paris: He likes me.

Rory: That's great.

Paris: He wants to go out with me tomorrow.

Rory: Well, whatever you do, bring cash. That Carrot Top, for all his seeming consideration, never does seem to have a quarter to pay for the call.

Paris: I meant Jamie.

Rory: I know.

Paris: Here's the thing, though.

Rory: Uh oh.

Paris: Proper dating procedure is that you should never go on your first date alone.

Rory: Right. You're going with Jamie.

Paris: I'm talking about double-dating.

Rory: Jess and I didn't double-date.

Paris: But you already knew Jess.

Rory: You know Jamie.

Paris: Seeing him twice hardly qualifies as knowing him.

Rory: Well, I'm sure not in the biblical sense, but you do know him. It's not a blind date.

Paris: Look, I don't want to go out with him alone. What if he finds me boring? What if he decides he doesn't like me and leaves me stranded in the middle of nowhere?

Rory: That's not going to happen.

Paris: Not if you go with me.

Rory: This is ridiculous.

Paris: If you don't want to go, it's fine. I just didn't want to tell Madeline and Louise about it, so you were the only one left of the people who don't run as soon as I walk two steps towards them.

Rory: Well, my mom taught me not to run from my fears.

Paris: Good bye, Rory.

Rory: Paris, wait. What time?

Paris: Well, we were thinking seven, but if that's not good for you, I'll call him back.

Rory: Seven's good, I guess.

Paris: Okay. I'll give you the rest of the information tomorrow.

Rory: (voice deflated.) Great.

(Next day. Luke's. Lorelai comes in. Luke is hanging up the new specials sign.)

Lorelai: Hey. 

Luke: Hey. I'll be with you in a second. (He finishes with the sign and gets down. Walks over to Lorelai.) Where's Rory?

Lorelai: She met up with Lane outside. They'll be in soon. I promised that I'd come ahead and order the raspberry pancakes before they run out.

Luke: News flash. The raspberry pancakes only run out after you and Rory have been here.

Lorelai: And one day, the rest of the town will catch on to us, and they'll run here before we get here so that there won't be much raspberry pancakes left for us.

Luke: (sarcastically) So what'll it be?

Lorelai: I'll have egg and toast.

Luke: Scrambled

Lorelai: Okay. Toast and egg.

Luke: Funny. Scrambled, boiled, or fried?

Lorelai: Scrambled.

Luke: Okay. Fried, scrambled, or boiled.

Lorelai: You've made me very proud.

Luke: Any side orders?

Lorelai: Yes. Raspberry pancakes.

Luke: There it comes.

Lorelai: And off you go. 

Luke: Three of those, right?

Lorelai: Yep.

Luke: I'll be back with your order. (leaves.)

(Outside. Rory and Lane are walking toward the diner.)

Lane: So I told my mom that I was going to meet you in Hartford and that we would go together.

Rory: Nice plan.

Lane: So you'll do it?

Rory: Well, I'd love to, but I kind of already have a double-date scheduled.

Lane: Oh?

Rory: Yeah. You remember Paris. Well, she's going on her first date with this guy from Princeton and she didn't want to go alone, so I kind of agreed to go with her.

Lane: Huh. So you don't think we could triple date?

Rory: Do you want to share your first date with Dave with Paris?

Lane: Good point.

Rory: I'm sorry.

Lane: Well, wait. This could still work. 

Rory: I'm listening.

Lane: What if we went to the same place. And then you could just alternate between Paris' table and mine. I know it's a lot to ask, but this is the only day this week that we can do this.

Rory: I guess _I _ don't mind doing it, but I haven't even told Jess about Paris, and I'm not sure how much he'd be up for one double-date, much less two on the same night.

Lane: (dejectedly) Yeah.

Rory: But you know what? I'll see what I can do. But don't worry. You're going to have your first date with Dave tonight if it's the last thing I do.

Lane; (happy again) Thank you! I promise, whether it's Dave or whoever, you're going to be my maid of honor. 

Rory: I thought I had that part since kindergarten.

Lane: Well, you did. But now I'm going to get that for you in writing.

Rory: Okay, then. So long as we're agreed.

Lane: Thank you so much.

Rory: Don't mention it.

(they walk into the diner. Luke has just brought over their orders.)

Rory: Wow. Such service. 

Lorelai: Courtesy of yours truly.

Luke: Who made the food and brought over the plates?

Lorelai: Boy, someone's a credit hog. 

(Jess comes from upstairs.)

Luke: Jess, get these people some coffee. (to Lorelai) Maybe you'll appreciate my service more now.

Lorelai: I do appreciate your service, Luke. In fact, I was wondering if you'd be able to provide some of that wonderful service today. I need you to figure out what you can get done for me for less. I'm working the figures now.

Luke: When? Tonight?

Lorelai: Well, yeah. I'm going to be at the Inn a little late today. We're having some important people over, and it's a whole big thing. 

Luke: Well, I can't tonight. I have…something to do. But I'll make a few phone calls, maybe stop by the place today again, and I'll call you tomorrow morning, we can compare figures.

Lorelai: Sounds great.

Luke: Okay. (calling out) Jess! (Jess is standing right next to him with the coffee.)

Jess: (cupping his ear) Jesus. I'm right here.

Luke: Oh. Well, get to work. (Luke leaves. Jess pours the coffee. Lane looks at Rory. Rory nods.)

Rory: Uh, Jess, can we talk outside for a moment?

Jess: This can't be good.

Lorelai: (unawares) Sure doesn't sound it.

Rory: Well, it's not bad. 

Jess: All right. (He leaves the coffee pot at the table and the two exit the diner.)

Lorelai: (looking at the coffee pot) See, now this is good.

(Outside.)

Rory: Hey.

Jess: You're killing me here, Rory.

Rory: Okay. Straight to the point. The thing is, both Paris and Lane are going on first dates this week, and Paris doesn't want to go alone and Lane really can't because there's this complex plan to get past Mrs. Kim that really won't work without me.

Jess: So you're going to be the third wheel on their dates. Well, have fun. (about to go back into the diner)

Rory: Not so fast, mister. Come on, Jess.

Jess: No. 

Rory: Please.

Jess: Please? That's the best you've got?

Rory: I'll make it up to you.

Jess: When have I heard that before?

Rory: I promise. But I really need to do this. Plus, it will give you a chance to get better acquainted with Lane. And that night with Paris wasn't so bad, right?

Jess: She's a supercilious, pedantic freak who doesn't know how to eat fries.

Rory: But you had fun, didn't you?

Jess: I spent most the night waiting for her to leave and then I'm the one who got thrown out.

Rory: But you had fun, didn't you?

Jess: Maybe a little.

Rory: Okay, then. I promise you it will not be that bad. Please, come. (flashes the puppy dog eyes.)

Jess: (yielding.) Okay. But you're going to owe me big time.

Rory: Agreed.

Jess: So I'm sharing you with other people for two nights.

Rory: Actually, see, that's the good news.

Jess: What? 

Rory: It's only one night. Their dates are kind of at the same time.

Jess: A triple date?

Rory: More like two double dates. We'll have to run back and forth. Wear sneakers. I have to get back inside. Thanks again for doing this. Bye. (pecks him quickly on the lips and rushes inside. Jess processes the rambled info and sighs.)

(In the diner. Rory walks to the table.)

Lorelai: So what did he say?

Rory: He'll do it.

Lane: Yes! (Jess comes in the diner. Lane smiles and waves at him. He looks at Rory icily.)

Lorelai: You sure he said he'd do it?

Rory: I never said he was happy about it.

(Later. Independence Inn. Lorelai is walking around with three men in suits.) 

Lorelai: So the building is actually very strong. Thick walls, strong flooring. 

Man # 1: What about the space in general. Is this a busy area? 

Lorelai: Well, we do get good business, if that's what you mean.

Man # 2: No. He means if this is a popular area. I mean, we notice there's not too much in the immediate vicinity. You've kept the natural going and that's great, but it seems a little secluded. I'm sure for your purposes that worked well. This is the kind of place people want to stay at to relax, but for our purposes, we were hoping for an area that gets a lot of people passing by. Maybe a popular road crossing through here or something.

Lorelai: Not that it's any of my business, but what exactly would your purposes be?

Man #1: Honestly, Ms. Gilmore, the building is lovely, but we're more interested in the space. We proposed quite an ample sum to Mia for the building, and it's a shame that it's just to knock it down, but what we're looking for is space. We're planning on opening a golf course. 

Man # 2: A miniature golf course.

Man # 1: (to Man # 2) We'll discuss that later.

Man # 2: (to Man # 1) There's nothing left to discuss. We can't get that kind of property.

Man #1: It's all about organization. We won't be holding the PGA Tour here, but something for the country club members in Hartford.

Man # 2: Better to have something for the country club wives in Hartford to bring the kids to also.

Man # 1: Like I said, we'll discuss this later. Pardon us, Ms. Gilmore. So we need to know if this is the kind of area that is easily accessible, passers-by, things like that. 

Lorelai: Um, well, in that case, you know, I probably shouldn't be doing this, but honestly, I don't think this is the kind of area for that. This is the area for small inns, spas, retreat places, Buddhist temples. It sort of has to be because it's very residential. I mean, try to move something that will have people here with screaming kids or balls flying great distances and you'll have the whole town protesting. And they'll take it to the town council, and you really don't want to mess with Taylor because he's already got his lawyer on speed dial. There's just a lot of red tape for that kind of operation.

Man # 1: I see. That would be a problem. 

Lorelai: But, I mean, it's not impossible. I think it could still be worth your investment. Then again, I'm biased because I am trying to make a sale here.

Man # 2: Well, we appreciate your honesty. We'll keep the place in mind. Thank you for your time.

Man # 1: Yes. It's really a wonderful place you have here.

Lorelai: Yeah, it is. (to Man # 3) You don't say much, do you? (he shakes his head) Well, I hope you consider us. Thanks for stopping by. (walks them to the door.)

(Later. Lorelai goes to the kitchen.)

Sookie: Are those guys going to be here for dinner, too?

Lorelai: Well, they left already.

Sookie: Already? That can't be good.

Lorelai: Well, depends which way you look at it.

Sookie: Uh oh. What do you mean?

Lorelai: What would you say if I told you I kind of drove them away?

Sookie: I'd say don't tell Mia you did.

Lorelai: It's just…I don't know. They want to knock the building down and put up a golf course. I don't know. I could maybe imagine driving along the road, looking towards this place and seeing the same building with a different sign on it. I could maybe even stomach seeing some alterations on it, a paint job, some construction, whatever. But to drive buy and see a windmill and dragon with its mouth open while people try to get balls up there, that's different. I wouldn't be able to even walk inside the place one day and imagine what it was like back when I first came here and Rory just started to waddle around with her chubby legs. 

Sookie: Oh, I know, hun. So many memories.

Lorelai: Yeah. 

Sookie: Do you remember the Bracebridge dinner?

Lorelai: (fondly) Yeah. (then face cringes) Though some of it I've been trying to forget.

Sookie: Well, I guess you just let go of the place, hold on to the memories.

(the phone rings.)

Michel: Independence Inn, Michel speaking…No, I'm sorry, we're completely booked. (Lorelai smiles.)

(Later. Luke's. Lorelai enters. Luke is cap-less and flannel-less.)

Lorelai: Hey. Who are you?

Luke: Shut up.

Lorelai: The voice sounds familiar.

Luke: You want your coffee or what?

Lorelai: Coffee very familiar. It must be Luke. I couldn't recognize you without your uniform. What's the occasion?

Luke: Aah, it's nothing. I'm meeting Nicole tonight for dinner.

Lorelai: You mean a date?

Luke: Let's call it two people meeting tonight for dinner, okay?

Lorelai: Wow. You and Nicole, huh?

Luke: What's that supposed to mean?

Lorelai: Nothing. I think it's great. She's a lawyer. You're…Luke. 

Luke: You're trying to say I'm too dumb to go out with a lawyer?

Lorelai: No, that's not what I'm saying at all.

Luke: But you're thinking it. Be honest.

Lorelai: I'm honestly not.

Luke: Well why aren't you? I _am _too dumb to be going out with a lawyer.

Lorelai: Ah, the first date jitters. You must really like her.

Luke: She's okay. She's nice.

Lorelai: Yeah, Rory told me she met her. Strong, nice lawyer woman. Great catch, there, Luke. 

Luke: Yeah. It's not going to work.

Lorelai: Stop it. She's getting a great catch, too. Just relax. Be yourself. You'll be fine.

Luke: So you want that coffee now?

Lorelai: Always.

(Later. Rory and Jess are sitting at a restaurant table with Paris and Jamie.)

Paris: It was overkill.

Jamie: I agree. I like to think I have a better appetite for realism myself, but _The Iceman Cometh _was too exaggerated an attempt.

Jess: That was O'Neill's point. He was avoiding the realism of the time. His was a different kind of realism. 

Rory: Realism became a movement of matter-of-fact, true-to-life, practicality and accuracy. O'Neill wasn't trying to be true to life. He was trying to be true to the human condition. 

Paris: And he wasn't even that. The word "pipe dream" is straight out of the failure's dictionary, and that's what O'Neill was. A bitter, disappointed failure who took out his vengeance against life in his writing. 

Jess: Let me ask you, in what dictionary does winning four Pulitzers translate as failure?

Jamie: Come on, the guy was a New York slum dweller from highly dysfunctional parents, a tramp, a john, and a drop out.  
Jess: I don't know. I think leaving Princeton was one of his better decisions. 

Rory: (brushing by Jess' comment) And he was the first American playwright to win a Nobel Prize in a time when national policy was international isolation. (Rory's pager vibrates. She checks it.) Excuse me. I have to make a phone call.

Jamie: I have my cell phone.

Rory: Oh. No. Um, I don't want to use your minutes.

Jamie: It's no problem. 

Rory: And Jess has to call his uncle, and if he knew we were using a cell phone in a restaurant, he'd combust.

Jess: Yeah. I saw a phone just up front. 

Rory: Excuse us, please.

(Jess is about to grab some garlic bread, when Rory pulls him by the arm away from the table.)

Jess: (as they walk away) Just wanted a little something for the road. (they get to Lane's table.)

Lane: Hey. 

Rory: Sorry we took so long.

Dave: Don't worry about it. Lane only paged because the food came. 

Jess: (immediately grabbing the garlic bread.) The best thing about this place is the garlic bread.

Lane: I know. I didn't even know what half of the menu was.

Dave: The chicken is really good, though. It's a cool place. They could use some different background music. 

(Jess nods, grateful for the shared sentiment)

Rory: (smiles) Not feeling the classical music either, huh?

Dave: It's not that. I just think it's cliché to have Verdi playing in the background of a Four Seasons-type restaurant. 

Rory: Good point. 

Lane: I say we call the guys here and blast Cretin Family.

Rory: Stage a coup.

Lane: Yeah. 

Jess: I'll support the revolution.

Lane: So how's it going over there?

Rory: Okay. Paris and Jamie are a great pair.

Jess: Yeah. They're both crazy.

Rory: And how's it been going over here.

Lane: (smiling at Dave) Good.

(Later. Luke is coming into the diner with Nicole.)

Luke: So then he's running around the diner, and he has to run upstairs and he's calling out, "is it gone yet?" At that point the mother picks up the baby so I tell Jess she's got it and the minute he comes down, the baby just throws the thing smack in his face.

Nicole: (laughing) Oh my God. 

Luke: It was a good thing he got hit by the outside.

Nicole. Well yeah. That was a funny story. 

Luke: I'm sure you have plenty yourself, working with Taylor and all.

Nicole: Well, how about I save my funny stories for the next time.

Luke: Next time? That sounds good.

Nicole: Right now, though, I have to go. I have a meeting early tomorrow morning.

Luke: Yeah. I can't believe how late it is. I'll give you some coffee to go.

Nicole: That'd be great. (Luke pours her a cup.)

Luke: Here you go.

Nicole: Thanks. I really had a great time tonight.

Luke: Me too. (both smile)… So I'll call you.

Nicole: Okay. (they linger still)

Luke: Um, you know, I was just wondering because, you know, in some cultures they do things differently, and sometimes it's religious beliefs, and… (Nicole smiles and puts a finger on his lips.)

Nicole: Yes.

(Luke nods then leans in and kisses her.)

(Meanwhile. Gilmore residence.)

Rory: So I think it went really well. By the end, even Jess and Jamie were getting along. 

Lorelai: Getting along?

Rory: Well, they're not going to be poker pals any time soon, but you know what I mean.

Lorelai: That's great. You know, Luke was going out on a first date today also.

Rory: Really? With Nicole?

Lorelai: Yep.

Rory: Wow. That's nice.

Lorelai: (with a small shrug) Yeah.

Rory: What was that about?

Lorelai: What?

Rory: You did the shrug.

Lorelai: The shrug?

Rory: The shrug that's always accompanied by a "yeah" when you really don't mean "yeah."

Lorelai: What are you talking about? There was no shrug. I really meant it. He's over Rachel. He's moving on. That's good. I'm proud of him.

Rory: (with a shrug) Okay.

(Next day. Luke's. Lorelai and Rory are seated at the counter. Luke comes out of the kitchen with plates.)

Luke: Be with you in a second. (he delivers the plates as Jess comes downstairs. Jess walks over to them and pours the coffee. Rory stands up. She is now taller than Jess as she is wearing ridiculously high-heeled shoes.)

Jess: What happened to you?

Rory: I said I'd make it up to you. What was that about the taller woman? (Jess smirks. Rory wraps her arms around his neck and kisses him. They part and Jess looks quickly at Lorelai who is looking everywhere else.)

Jess: You want to go upstairs for a bit?

Rory: I would, but I can't walk in these. 

Jess: I'll help you. Come on. 

Rory: Okay. (Rory stumbles immediately. Jess grabs her and they make their way to the stairs. You can hear the bumps and thuds as they try to climb the steps.)

Jess' voice: Forget it. Dump the shoes.

Rory's voice: What about the fantasy?

Jess's voice: I outgrew it. 

(the sound of the tossed heavy shoes clanking down the steps.)

(Luke comes over to Lorelai)

Luke: What was that about?

Lorelai: (in a sing-songy voice.) Young love. Speaking of which, how was your date?

Luke: Good, good.

Lorelai: Two words. Same word. But still two. That's an improvement. Come on. Details. 

Luke: It was nice. We had a great diner, nice restaurant, not too formal. Good conversation. No accidents or disasters. Everything went smoothly, and in my life, smooth is very rare.

Lorelai: Well, that's good. I'm happy for you.

Luke: Thanks. I really mean it. Thank you.

(Lorelai smiles. Rory comes downstairs.)

Rory: (to Lorelai) All right. I need my school shoes. (Lorelai takes them from a bag, and Rory puts them on.) 

Lorelai: Ready to go?

Rory: Yep. Bye, mom. (kisses Lorelai good-bye.) Bye, Luke. (leaves.)

Lorelai: I better go, too. I'll see you later.

Luke: Yeah. (Lorelai leaves and Jess comes downstairs.) (to Jess) How'd it go last night?

Jess: (shrugs) You?

Luke: Yeah. Same. 

Jess: (nods) I'm out.

(Jess leaves and Luke looks around at a poorly populated diner.) 

The End.


	5. And I'll Cry If I Want To

By: Stew Pid

Rating: Should be okay for everyone.

Disclaimer: I only own the Stew Pid stuff.

A/N: Hey!! Well, I couldn't stay away too long. It's that old school's-almost-starting-and-I-haven't-finished-my-summer-goals-and-what-will-that-mean-for-my-semester-goals anxiety. I, of course, won't finish before school starts, but let's see what we can do. Anyway, hope you like this one. Important to read the A/N at the end. Well, not really, but it might be. Ultimately, it's up to you.

(Hartford Gilmore Residence. Emily, Richard, and Lorelai are seated in the living room. Lorelai makes music with the glass of wine, severely annoying Emily.)

Emily: Would you stop that?

Lorelai: (still stroking the rim of the glass) What?

Emily: You know what. You're giving me a headache.

Lorelai: Would it make any difference if I played something else? I take requests. 

Emily: Just stop it, please.

Lorelai: I don't think I know that one.

Richard: What in heaven's name is keeping Rory so long?

Emily: Was that her on the phone a while ago?

Lorelai: Who?

Emily: Rory.

Lorelai: When?

Emily: A little while ago when you took your cell phone into the other room.

Lorelai: Oh. That's right. Yeah. That was Rory.

Emily: Well what did she say?

Lorelai: Just girl talk.

Emily: What is taking her so long?

Lorelai: Oh. She's having a little car trouble.

Emily: What?

Lorelai: Yeah. Her car sort of stopped. She was going to catch a bus. She should be here soon.

Emily: Well why didn't you tell us?

Richard: I could have picked her up.

Lorelai: Well, believe me, I was going to do that myself, but she said no. She said you could eat without her, but I told her we would wait for her.

Emily: Of course we'll wait for her. That's not the issue. Why didn't you tell us when she called?

Lorelai: Just didn't occur to me, I guess.

Richard: (to himself) I knew that car was no good.

Lorelai: Okay, _that's_ why I didn't tell you.

Richard: I'm sorry, but I had told you so from the beginning. Rory should never have driven a car some boy made out of God knows what. Probably junk from under the sink.

Lorelai: You're right. If Dean made a car from stuff under the sink, I wouldn't have Rory drive it. I'd send it to _Ripley's Believe It or Not_.

Richard: When it comes to Rory's safety I find humor highly inappropriate.

Lorelai: The car Dean made was safe. But you forget, it went through a major accident, and Chris had it fixed, yeah, but it's not going to be the same. 

Emily: Believe me, I haven't forgotten about the accident. It's probably for the better that the thing gave out. Now we can get Rory a good reliable new car. It's right in time, too, because I'm really not satisfied with what I got her for her birthday. Richard and I will stop by the dealership tomorrow.

Lorelai: Oh wait. Not this again.

Emily: Lorelai, I will not allow you to make any ridiculous protests. I don't see why you'd let Rory have a car as a gift from some boyfriend and not her own grandparents.

Lorelai: You're not going to buy her a new car. The one she has can be fixed. It's probably just the alternator. 

Richard: It's amazing how people just take it upon themselves that they're licensed mechanics.

Lorelai: Like the time you decided you were going to fix antique cars.

Emily: I just don't see why you won't let us get her a car when she needs one. It's not like you're against her driving because she's been driving all this time.

Lorelai: I tell you what, hold off on it now. If the car gets any worse, you can make that her graduation gift.

(Emily is about to say something when there is a ring at the door. The maid goes to answer it.)

Lorelai: Oh, don't worry. I'll get it. (Lorelai gets up and leaves for the door. She opens.) What took you so long?

Rory: I think I called and explained the situation.

Lorelai: You don't know what I just went through. Dean making the car and Jess breaking the car came up in like back-to-back sentences.

Rory: I'm sorry. You couldn't tell them I was helping this woman deliver a baby on the highway or something?

Lorelai: Well, Doogie, that's so obvious. I can't believe I didn't think of it. Too late now. 

Rory: I'm sorry. (They meet Emily and Richard in the living room.)

Emily: Rory, are you all right?

Rory: Fine, grandma. The car just got a little fussy. It decided it didn't want to start. It's probably the alternator.

Lorelai: (to Richard) What can I say? It must be genetic.

Emily: Well what do you say we eat now?

Rory: Yes, I'm starved.

Lorelai: (whispers to Rory) They _so_ let you off the hook.

Rory: At least you're spared Round Two.

(Later. At dinner. The maid clears away the plates and sets the dessert dishes. She returns with a cake and candles. Emily and Richard begin singing Rory "Happy Birthday." Lorelai joins in. The singing stops and Rory blows out the candles. The maid proceeds to serve the cake.)

Rory: Thanks, Grandma and Grandpa.

Emily: Well, I know it's early, but your mother told us you were having a party on your birthday at home and we wanted to do a little something here.

Rory: Are you coming on Sunday?

Emily: We weren't sure we were invited.

Lorelai: Of course you're invited.

Emily: We didn't get any invitations. 

Lorelai: Uh, yes, you did. The invitation was when I told you, hey, we're doing a birthday party for Rory at the house on Sunday. 

Emily: That hardly qualifies as an invitation.

Lorelai: I'm sorry. Next time I'll send over a barbershop quartet.

Rory: So will you be able to come?

Richard: I don't see why not. It's not every day your favorite granddaughter turns eighteen.

Lorelai: Well, there was that time she turned an eighteen in Atlantic City, but by the time the night was through she lost everything.

Rory: What can I say? You've got to know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em.

Emily: Well, we will be there on Sunday. It should be nice to meet your friends again.

Rory: And there are some new ones. You'll get to know my boyfriend.

Richard: Boyfriend?

Lorelai: Come on, dad. You didn't really think Dean would be the last of them, did you? 

Emily: You never told us you had a new boyfriend.

Rory: I guess it never came up.

Emily: Well how long has this been going on?

Rory: Almost two months. 

Richard: And who is this young man?

Rory; Uh, his name is Jess. You met him before, actually. You probably, don't remember, though.

Richard: That arrogant, insolent young boy from the diner?

Emily: The one from the accident?

Lorelai: I guess they do remember.

Richard: (to Lorelai) And you're allowing this?

Lorelai: Yes I am. But what I will not allow is for you to ruin Rory's birthday party with this. 

Rory: Please. No scenes. Just, be nice. You just have to get to know him. Give him a chance, please.

(Richard and Emily exchange looks and shrug indignantly to Lorelai and Rory. They all retire to their cake in silence.)

(Later. Gilmore Residence.)

Lorelai: Well, we could always say it was just a practical joke and hide Jess in the garage.

Rory: I don't think anything more fits in the garage.

Lorelai: So what are you going to do?

Rory: There's nothing I can do. I just hope they'll be at least civil. They'll be civil, won't they?

Lorelai: Civil as the Civil War, I'm sure.

Rory: You're very helpful.

Lorelai: Aw. Cheer up, kid. Just think, maybe Taylor will decide to enforce the Blue Laws and forbid traveling on Sunday.

Rory: Yes, that's always a possibility. 

Lorelai: I'll talk to them. 

Rory: That could potentially make it worse.

Lorelai: I'll talk to them and you talk to Jess. 

Rory: (sigh) Okay.

Lorelai: Now go to bed. Big day tomorrow. 

Rory: Good night. 

Lorelai: Good night, kid. (Lorelai kisses Rory's forehead.)

Rory: Just remember, you can't do that on Sunday if Taylor does decide to enforce those Blue Laws.

Lorelai: Noted.

(Next day. Luke's. Lorelai and Rory come enter the diner. Luke is with Kirk.)

Kirk: Well, it wasn't easy. I had to beat every old lady from here to Stamford.

Luke: I'm sure you appreciated the pay-back.

Kirk: That's besides the point.

Luke: Look, did you get them?

Kirk: I got them. 

Luke: How much do I owe you?

Kirk: Three hundred.

Luke: What?! What kind of seats are they?

Kirk: Excellent seats. Close to the exit in case of a fire, the concession stand in case you get hungry.

Luke: And the stage?

Kirk: I'll throw in my binoculars.

Luke: Geez, Kirk. You said you could get me great tickets at a great price.

Kirk: These are great tickets. And do you know how much money I saved you in medical bills?

Luke: I have health insurance.

Kirk: I have an appointment to realign my coccyx. I really thought you'd be more appreciative. After all, it could be your coccyx we're talking about. 

Luke: Trust me, I'd never discuss my coccyx with you.

Kirk: So do you want them or not?

Luke: I'll pay two hundred for them.

Kirk: Deal.

(Kirk hands Luke the tickets. Luke pulls out his wallet and hands Kirk the cash.)

Kirk: A pleasure doing business with you. (Luke mutters as he walks to the Gilmores.)

Lorelai: (to Rory) Is it frightfully disturbing that Kirk owns a pair of binoculars?

Rory: Well, there's nothing wrong with owning binoculars _per se_, but the fact that it's Kirk, yes, I agree, does make it disturbing.

Luke: What do you two want?

Rory: Pancakes. The usual.

Lorelai: What was that all about?

Luke: What?

Lorelai: Are you going to make me discuss your coccyx?

Luke: Oh. Kirk was going to get some tickets for me for something.

Rory; Huh.

Lorelai: You know, Luke, you should consider a career as a news anchorman. What are the tickets for, Mr Koppel?

Luke: Just some show Nicole wanted to see.

Rory: Aw. How sweet.

Lorelai: I don't know about that. She wants to see a show and you get Kirk to scalp you some tickets?

Luke: Look, the tickets were sold out. Kirk said he had a connection so I went through him.

Lorelai: What are you guys going to see?

Luke: Yeah, um, well, Nicole really likes Engelbert Humperdinck and he's going to do some benefit in Hartford this Sunday so I thought…

Lorelai: Engelbert Humperdinck?

Luke: Remember I still haven't made your pancakes and I could easily decide not to.

Lorelai: Oh all right.

Rory: Wow. So that means you're going to miss the party.

Lorelai: No, that'll be some party all right. Being the only one with binoculars at the back of an Engelbert Humperdinck concert in a crowd of visually impaired, notoriously violent old ladies. That's going to be some night.

Luke: Anyway, Rory. I'll stop by early on Sunday to bring something, you know, for you and some ice. And I'll make sure Jess brings over an ice refill when he goes.

Lorelai: Great. That's really the only reason we invite you.

Rory: Your presence will be missed, but have fun.

Luke: All right. I'll come back with your pancakes.

(Lorelai starts singing "Last Waltz." Rory shakes her head. Luke returns with a stack of pancakes for Rory and gives Lorelai a stern look.)

Luke: No pancakes for you.

Rory: You just got blacklisted by the Pancake Nazi.

Lorelai: Can't you split yours with me?

Rory: That depends. Do you take requests, Engelbert?

Lorelai: Of course.

Rory: Quando, Quando.

(Lorelai starts to sing. Luke comes over and takes the pancakes. She stops and they both pout. Then break out into "There Goes My Everything.")

(Later. Rory and Jess are walking around the Town Square.)

Rory: Since Michel wasn't there I had to translate and my French has gotten really rusty and I was trying to explain that American currency is different from Canadian currency, but I said _moine_ instead of _monnaie_ and so they ended up strangely fascinated about how an American monk is worth more than a Canadian monk. It was bad.

Jess: So I guess you won't be able to teach me a foreign language after all.

Rory: Maybe Latin.

Jess: That should come in handy.

Rory: Definitely might with the monks.

Jess: Unless they're those Canadian monks. (they stop in front of the diner and he pulls Rory close) Well, I'm not shipping off to a monastery just yet.

Rory: _Hoc est bonus._ (They kiss)

Rory: (parting) How long before you have to go back to work?

Jess: I've got roughly ten minutes.

Rory: Roughly?

Jess: All right. Four minutes, but who cares?

Rory: Okay. I have to talk to you.

Jess: I have to get back to work.

Rory: You have four minutes.

Jess: I was just saying that.

Rory: You don't even know what I'm going to say.

Jess: But I know it's going to be bad.

Rory: No you don't.

Jess: You drew in your brow, tightened you jaw, and did that side look to the floor that you always do when you're going to say something I don't want to hear.

Rory: I don't know whether to be happy you know me so well or angry that you're going to run away from whatever I have to say just because you don't want to hear it.

Jess: All right. I'm listening.

Rory: Tomorrow.

Jess: I had a feeling.

Rory: I told you about the party. My grandparents are coming.

Jess: Sounds great. Hope you all have fun.

Rory: (sternly) Jess, you're coming.

Jess: Why? I can take you out tonight for your birthday. Then you can have your party with them tomorrow.

Rory: First of all, you can't take me out tonight because I have to clean my room for tomorrow. Plus, we've been through this before. Too many times. I'm not going to do this double life thing. My birthday is tomorrow and I want to spend it with the people I love. All of them.

Jess: Fine. But how about I stay in a different room from them the whole time. Then we'd never have to meet.

Rory: That's impossible. And I want them to meet you. But you have to try to make a better impression than the last time. 

Jess: What? I was completely charming the last time. 

Rory: Try to be less charming. Please. For me. Make it my birthday gift.

Jess: Who said I was going to get you anything in the first place?

Rory: Luke said you were getting ice.

Jess: Now he ruined the surprise.

Rory: I'll act very surprised. (She kisses Jess good-bye and leaves.)

(Hartford Gilmore residence.)

Emily: So Lorelai, what brings you here? You were here yesterday. We'll see you tomorrow. I know you try to make our reunions as infrequent as possible, so what's up?

Lorelai: Uh, well, um, yeah, okay. Here goes. About tomorrow, I know yesterday there was a bit of unresolved tension, so I just wanted to tell you, it's Rory's 18th birthday. She deserves for it to be unimaginably wonderful. She really wants you and dad there, and she'd also like Jess there and she'd like you all to get along. That's what she'd like but that's not what I'm asking for. I'm asking you to be there and to pretend, just pretend, to get along with him. It would make Rory happy and that's what matters. All I'm asking is that for one day you forget you dislike this kid, forget about the accident, the day at the diner, forget how much you're against this whole relationship. Just…

Emily: Lorelai, Richard and I already decided to do just that. We want Rory to have a great birthday just as much as you do. But I will not tolerate that young man ruining Rory's birthday either.

Lorelai: It won't happen. She was going to talk to him. I mean, not that she needed to talk him out of ruining her birthday. I'm sure that was never his intention. She's just talking to him about, you know, prepping him for…the food. Just to make sure he's not allergic to anything and ends up having to be rushed to emergency or to the bathroom if he can't wait that long, because, you know, that can ruin a birthday. Or…

Emily: That's enough, Lorelai.

Lorelai: Right. Thank you. Okay. Wow. Great. This was easy.

Emily: It'd be nice if you would give us credit once in a while. Or pretend to.

Lorelai: Well, um, I have to go. Lots to do before tomorrow. 

Emily: I'll see you then.

(Independence Inn. Lorelai and Sookie are in the kitchen looking at a huge cake.)

Lorelai: It's huge.

Sookie: For the Alice in Wonderland theme, when she's a giant.

Lorelai: Don't you mean when she's tiny? I feel tiny next to this.

Sookie: Well, whatever. See, I also made these little cakes over here (walking Lorelai over to a tray of little cupcakes.) And then I made these chocolate muffins that I'm going to frost and stick little M&Ms on to look like mushrooms. 

Lorelai: What everyone wants for their 18th birthday. Diabetes. Seriously, Sookie, this is great. You really shouldn't have gone through this much trouble, though.

Sookie: For Rory, it's no trouble at all.

Lorelai: So I have to decorate the house, but I need to get Rory out of it first. Lane should be taking care of that department. Then, will you help in the decorating department?

Sookie: Of course. I'll be there around 2 o' clock tomorrow?

Lorelai: Sounds good. That's me, you, Babette. Luke is coming over to bring the ice so I'll get him to do a few things, too. 

Sookie: Is he going to convulse when he sees all this? 

Lorelai: If we're lucky, he won't see it. He's not coming to the party.

Sookie: Really? Why not?

Lorelai: He's taking Nicole out.

Sookie: Who's Nicole?

Lorelai: His girlfriend.

Sookie: Luke has a girlfriend?

Lorelai: Is it still six o' clock where you are?

Sookie: Oh, that's right. The lawyer. He's still seeing her?

Lorelai: Oh yeah. He's taking her to an Engelbert Humperdinck concert.

Sookie: Engelbert Humperdinck? I love Engelbert Humperdinck! Where is he playing?

Lorelai: In Hartford. How could you love Engelbert Humperdinck? You don't love Engelbert Humperdinck. You love saying Engelbert Humperdinck because it just sounds so ridiculous, but you don't really love Engelbert Humperdinck.

Sookie: If I recall your bachelorette party correctly, a second Long Island iced tea and you're loving Engelbert Humperdinck, too.

Lorelai: Shh. We all swore an oath that we would never repeat any of that again.

(Michel comes in humming "Last Waltz.")

(Next day. Rory is in the kitchen, eating cereal while reading the newspaper. Lorelai comes in.)

Lorelai: Hey! Happy Birthday! Wow. So you're 18. Guess you can throw out that fake ID. Now you're legally able to…

Rory: Vote?

Lorelai: That's right. No more sneaking into the voting booth for you.

Rory: Thank God.

Lorelai: When I think of all the things you had to do to get your voice heard…

Rory: Makes you sort of question the meaning of democratic government, don't you think?

Lorelai: Yeah, especially that last time.

Rory: That's right. It all backfired on me that time.

Lorelai: Yeah. You know, just for that Al's not coming to your party.

Rory: Is _that_ why he's not coming?

Lorelai: Sorry, babe.

Rory: He'll get over it.

Lorelai: So what's so special about turning 18. There has to be something.

Rory: I think in some systems it's considered official adulthood.

Lorelai: Yeah, that's a perk. (gives Rory a hug) So my little baby's an adult now. (looks at the cereal box) Sorry honey, Trix are for kids. (she takes the box away and steals Rory's bowl for herself.)

(Later. Rory is in her room getting ready. Lorelai is watching T.V. continually glancing at her watch. The phone rings.)

Lorelai; Hello.

Christopher: Hey.

Lorelai: Chris, how are you?

Christopher: Not bad. You?

Lorelai: Ugh. You don't know. I'm a ball of nerves.

Christopher: She's 18.

Lorelai: I know.

Christopher: I can't believe it. Does that make us old?

Lorelai: Us, no. You, definitely. You're the one with the Volvo. Plus you've got another kid on the way. How is Sherry, by the way?

Christopher: She's okay. The baby's been kicking and moving a lot in there.

Lorelai: That one's going to be a handful. Just like dad.

Christopher: Yeah, I guess.

Lorelai: So I gather you won't be here for the party.

Christopher: I wish I could, but I can't get away right now.

Lorelai: No, I totally understand. It's going to be some party, though.

Christopher: I can imagine. But I don't want to have to Western Union your bail money this time.

Lorelai: No guarantees.

Christopher: So where is the birthday girl?

Lorelai: One second. I'll get her. 

(Lorelai delivers the phone to Rory's room. Overhearing as she exits the room: )

Rory: Dad!…Thank you…I did. It came in yesterday… 

(Lorelai shuts the door, and leans against it. She sighs and walks back to the living room.)

(Later. Rory and Lane are at the bookstore sitting on the floor reading out loud.)

Rory: "George was curious. Could he make a pizza, too?" Okay. Where was the Man with the yellow hat when all this was going on?

Lane: I have to say, he was a pretty irresponsible parent.

Rory: I think so, too. And get this logic. If George were a little boy, Tony would have gotten on the parents for not watching him. But since he's a monkey, yeah, let's hold him responsible.

Lane: Monkeys will be monkeys.

Rory: Exactly. 

Lane: Gosh, this reminds me of first grade.

Rory: I don't think we were as analytical back then.

Lane: Maturity has ruined us.

Rory: I can't even eat Trix anymore.

Lane: Growing up sucks.

Rory: Amen.

Lane: Birthdays are still nice, though.

Rory: Yeah. They are.

(Gilmore residence. Lorelai, Sookie, and Babette are decorating.)

Babette: Oh, Lorelai honey, look what Morey and I made. We're taking these origami classes. Paper pocket watches. I thought it would go with the theme. We could hang 'em on the walls or something, don't you think.

Lorelai: That's great, Babette. Thanks. And thank Morey. He will be here, won't he?

Babette: Yeah, he's coming. He'll be late though. You know how he is. 

Lorelai: Well, the late person wears the bunny ears. 

Babette: You know, they used to call him Jack Rabbit in the old band. It was his look. You know how Sammy Davis Jr. always had his cigar in his mouth. Well, Morey always had a carrot stick.

Sookie: You know, that is kind of sexy.

Babette: Tell me about it.

Lorelai: I'm sure Jackson's on top of the world when produce accessorizing is considered sexy.

(The doorbell rings. Lorelai goes over. Luke and Jackson come in with numerous bags of ice.)

Lorelai: Gee, thanks guys, but I don't think we'll need to build an igloo for the Alice in Wonderland theme.

Luke: You really shouldn't run out, but just in case, I left Jess another bag to bring over.

Babette: You're not coming to the party, Luke?

Luke: No.

Babette: Why not?

Luke: I have to be somewhere.

Babette: Where could you possibly have to be? Just close the diner for one night. Most of us will be here anyway.

Luke: Caesar's holding down the diner. I have to be somewhere. (to Lorelai) Is Rory here by any chance?

Lorelai: Nope. We sent her out with Lane so we could transform this place to Wonderland.

Luke: (handing Lorelai an envelope) Well, give her this. Tell her I said 'Happy Birthday.'

Lorelai: Thanks. I will. (Luke nods and leaves. Lorelai closes the door, looking at the envelope.)

Babette: This is the first time Luke doesn't come to one of these. 

Lorelai: (smiles weakly and puts down the envelope) Well, at least we know we have enough ice. 

(Later. The party has just started. Lorelai, Sookie, Babette, Rory, and Lane are sitting around laughing. Rory is in a blonde wig. Lorelai has hearts painted on her face. Lane has antennae on her head. The doorbell rings.)

Rory: I'll get it. (she answers the door.) Grandma! Grandpa! Hey!

Richard: Happy Birthday, Rory.

Emily: What is that thing on your head?

Rory: It's a wig. I'm Alice. Welcome to my Wonderland.

(Richard and Emily come inside. Lorelai comes over.)

Lorelai: Hey. Just in time. Babette was just about to tell the story about how she met Niles Davis.

Richard: You mean Miles Davis.

Lorelai: No. It's Niles Davis. The famous arm-pit musician of Hoboken. 

Emily: Dear God. Where's the gift reception?

Lorelai: Huh?

Emily: The table for the gifts. (she holds up two shopping bags.)

Lorelai: Uh, let's see. Whatcha got in there? (Lorelai peaks in and pulls out a small box. She looks around, puts the box on the side table.) There. That's the gift table. 

(Emily rolls her eyes and she and Richard proceed to unpack the bags.)

(Later. The party is in full swing. All are sitting around Miss Patty who sits next to Rory telling a story.)

Miss Patty: So he says, "You excel Elizabeth Taylor at two things…

Lorelai: (whispers to Sookie) I wonder how many Long Island iced teas he had right there.

Miss Patty: "One is dancing and the other"…well, I can't say it here. (to Rory) You may be 18 now, but for some things you still have to wait 'til you're older.

Rory: I don't think I'm ever going to be old enough to hear the rest of that story.

(Lorelai stands up)

Lorelai: Well, what's say we eat. You can all just file over to the kitchen. No rush. There's plenty for everybody. And then some.

(They all line up in the kitchen as Sookie and Jackson serve. Lorelai is filling her plate when Emily comes up behind her.)

Emily: Is this boy not coming?

Lorelai: What? Who? When? Oh. Hi, mom. Enjoying the party?

Emily: (flatly) Yes. It's wonderful. You did a lovely job.

Lorelai: The sincerity is touching.

Emily: Really, Lorelai. You could take that ridiculous paint off your face.

Lorelai: But how will anyone know I'm the Queen of Hearts?

Emily: Theme parties are for children.

Lorelai: I'm weaning her off slowly. This morning, I took away her Trix.

Emily: What?

Lorelai: Never mind. You just can't admit that you like this, don't you? I saw you and dad examining the paper pocket watches.

Emily: I had never seen anything like that.

Lorelai: You were impressed.

Emily: And so if I was.

Lorelai: Wait 'til you get a load of the mushroom muffins. 

(Kirk moves forward, bringing into view the mushroom muffins. Emily's face lights up.)

Emily: How adorable!

Lorelai: Help yourself, Alice.

Emily: Oh, I couldn't. Those must be terribly fattening.

Lorelai: So you do a couple of crunches tomorrow. Go ahead. 

(Emily tentatively takes one. Richard comes up to them.)

Richard: Lovely party, Lorelai. Where's Rory's boyfriend?

Lorelai: Not here.

Richard: I always say punctuality is the defining quality of a man.

Lorelai: I always thought it was a Y chromosome, but okay. Look, it's a party. There's no set time to be here. He'll get here when he gets here. In any event, the show must go on.

Emily: (holding the muffin to Richard) Richard, try this. It's delicious. 

Richard: (tasting) Mmm. I'll have one of those.

(All are seated, eating and talking. The doorbell rings. Rory goes to answer the door. Her mother and grandparents follow.)

Jess: Hey. Happy birthday. (kisses Rory on the cheek.) Sorry I'm late.

Rory: It's okay. You just have to wear the bunny ears.

Jess: What?

Rory: (places the ears on Jess.) Yep. Reserved specifically for the late person. It's an Alice in Wonderland theme. See. (she grabs her wig and puts it on.) 

Jess: Rory, a dumb blonde. Never thought I'd see the day. Awake, at least. (Rory pinches his arm.)

(from behind the sound of Richard clearing his throat.)

Rory: Oh. That's right. Grandma and Grandpa, you remember Jess. He's my boyfriend. Jess, you remember my grandparents. They're…still my grandparents.

Emily: Nice to see you again, Jess.

Richard: I notice you're a little late. Any car trouble?

Lorelai: Well, enough with the greetings. Jess, we have plenty of food. Just help yourself right over there.

Emily: And you can leave your gift on the table right there.

Rory: Oh, let me take your jacket.

(Jess takes off his jacket, and in the process, palms one of the gifts off the table. He pretends to pull it out of his removed jacket and drops it back on the table. Emily, noticing this, raises an eyebrow. Jess and Rory leave for the kitchen.)

(Later. Rory, Lorelai, Lane, Sookie, and Jackson are playing charades against Miss Patty, Babette, Morey, Kirk, and Michel. Jess is eating in a corner. Richard and Emily come over.)

Richard: Hello, young man. Do you mind if we sit here? (gesturing toward the chairs next to Jess. Jess shrugs.) Why, thank you.

Jess: (clearing his throat. To Richard) So Rory tells me you started your own business not too long ago. How's it going?

Richard: Very well, thank you. Do you know anything about insurance?

Jess: Not enough people have it?

Richard: That's certainly true. 

Emily: And what are you looking into, Jess?

Jess: Passing.

Richard: Excuse me? I'm not familiar with that profession.

Jess: It's pretty much just studying to get a decent enough grade on your exams so you can graduate.

Richard: I see. 

Emily: Rory, you know, is very studious.

Jess: I hadn't noticed…Yes. She is.

Richard: See to it that you don't mess that up, young man.

Jess: Couldn't if I wanted to. 

(Richard looks snidely at Jess)

Emily: Jess, you go to school here, don't you?

Jess: Occasionally.

Emily: Excuse me?

Jess: Yeah, I go to school here.

Emily: That's good. You're going to college next year, I presume. (Jess knocks on the table.) Have you applied?

Jess: Yeah. Um, Rory thought I should apply to Boston College, U-Conn, NYU, some places like that.

Richard: (doubtingly) Those are good schools.

Jess: That's what all the brochures say. (they collapse into awkward silence.)

Emily: You're from New York, aren't you?

Jess: Yeah.

Emily: Richard and I love New York. Although there was one time we were visiting there when a bunch of ruffians ripped off my purse.

Jess: That was _you_. (Emily looks at him mortified.) I was joking.

Emily: (fake laugh again) Oh. That's very funny. Wasn't that funny, Richard?

(Richard smiles his insincere assent.)

Jess: Excuse me. (He gets up and heads to the kitchen.)

(Later. Rory is walking about the house, searching. She goes to the kitchen and peaks out the back door. Jess and Bootsy are there. Jess has a cigarette in his mouth that he's about to light.)

Bootsy: So you can see why your uncle has always been jealous of me.

(Jess nods as he pulls out his lighter.)

Rory: Hey. What are you doing?

Jess: An intense exercise in patience.

Rory: You haven't played any of the games.

Jess: I played twenty questions with your grandparents.

Rory: Oh. How did it go? 

(Jess shrugs.)

Rory: Come on. 

Jess: What?

Rory: Come on. 

(They go back inside and Rory is about to sneak him in her room.)

Jess: Can you bring the wig? (Rory pinches him again. Richard sees them and walks over.)

Richard: Rory, I think they're about to cut the cake. You should check in with Susie…Kookie…whatever her name is.

Rory: Sookie. Right. Okay. (she mouths "sorry" to Jess as she leaves. Jess is about to follow suit, when Richard takes his arm.)

Richard: A word with you, please. (they go into the room. Richard closes the door.)

Jess: Mr. Gilmore, Rory said we should bond but I don't think she meant like this.

Richard: All right you little smart mouth, I've had it. Let's make this clear. I don't like you. You are a rude, insolent cretin, an urchin, quite frankly, a jackass. I suppose you think it's cool to cut classes, disrespect your elders, and ruin innocent little girls, but you can take your cool act somewhere else. You have no future. You don't have what it takes. My granddaughter does, and you don't deserve her. Why she likes you is beyond me.

Jess: Stumped there, too.

Richard: Good. I'm glad you recognize it. Now I can't, of course, tell Rory not to go out with you. But I can tell you, if you so much as change a strand of Rory's hair out of place, I am going to wring your neck. Do you understand?

Jess: Is that all, Mr. Gilmore?

Richard: Yes.

(Jess nods and leaves.)

(After eating cake, Rory is escorted to the gift table to opens her gifts. Lorelai reads the cards out loud before each gift. After opening a gift from Michel—a French/English dictionar—Lorelai introduces the next one.)

Lorelai: "To Rory. It's not too late to become the next Ginger Rogers. Love, Patty."

(Rory opens the gift. Her old ballet slippers bronzed.)

Rory: Uh, wow. Thanks, Miss Patty. This brings back so many horrible memories, but now they're in bronze so they're beautiful. 

Miss Patty: Stop by the studio any time you want to start up your lessons again.

Lorelai: In bronze slippers now. She's got enough trouble with her lead feet.

Rory: Hey.

Lane: It's true.

Rory: I know, but still.

Lorelai: (looks to make sure there are no remaining gifts) So that's it. 

Rory: Thank you, everyone.

Emily: Wait. What about Jess' gift?

Rory: Oh, that's right. Where is it? It was in that box, wasn't it?

Lorelai: Like Kirk's gift.

Kirk: Did you get the free wrapping paper from Taylor's, too?

Taylor: I would never have given free wrapping paper to _him_. 

Jess: Look, it's no big deal. You can look for it later.

Rory: Yeah. 

Emily: You'll be looking for it forever. (Everyone hushes and looks at Emily.) He didn't get you anything. He stole a gift from off the table and put it back.

Lorelai: Mom!

Emily: It's true. 

Rory: Well, that's okay. We still have to do karaoke. 

Emily: How can you say it's okay? He comes in here, late, without so much as a bag of ice…

Lorelai: Yeah. What happened to the ice? (Rory looks at her sharply) Oops. Sorry. Mom, that's enough.

Emily: I just don't understand any of this, Lorelai. He doesn't even care to bring his girlfriend a gift on her birthday. He's been nothing but rude and withdrawn throughout. He's a sarcastic, insensitive jerk and I don't understand why he's here.

Jess: Neither do I. I'm out.

Rory: Jess. Don't.

(Jess pushes his way through the crowd and leaves through the back door. Rory follows.)

Rory: Jess, don't do this. I'm sorry they did that to you. I'm really sorry, but please, don't leave. I'll talk to them. They'll apologize. But don't leave like this. The party's not even over.

Jess: But this _is_ over, Rory.

Rory: What? What do you mean, "this?"

Jess; You and me. Don't you see, Rory? It's not working. You don't want to do the double life thing, but I can't fit into that life of yours. All those people in there tolerate me at best. Nobody thinks I'm good for you, and maybe they're right. I'm no good for you. So that's it. 

Rory: What about me deciding what's good for me?

Jess: When you're allowed to do that, give me a call. Good bye, Rory. Happy birthday.

(He walks away even faster. Rory stops following, distress all over her face. She goes back inside. Everyone is by the door. She pushes her way to the center of the crowd.)

Rory: I'm sorry everyone, but you have to go. You can take as much food as you like, but this party is over. (She's about to go to her room when she sees her grandparents.) How could you? (she doesn't wait for an answer and locks herself in her room.)

Lorelai: Sookie, could you help me pack some food for these people?

Sookie: Of course.

(Inside her room, Rory collapses on her bed. She finds a strange package labeled for her and opens it--a collection of Ernest Hemingway's Kansas City Star Stories. Rory turns to the bookmarked page. There is a single note on the margin in Jess' handwriting. "This one (the article is 'Mix Art, War, and Dancing') was Hemingway's favorite. He wrote it when he was 18. Happy birthday.") 

(Lorelai has cleaned up the after-party mess. She goes over to Rory's room and knocks.)

Rory: (from inside.) Is everybody gone?

Lorelai: It's just me. 

(Rory opens the door, crying. She goes into her mother's arms.)

Rory: (sobbing) I'm sorry, mom.

Lorelai: Shh. Welcome to official adulthood.

(Later. Lorelai and Rory approach Luke's. The diner is empty and he and Jess are cleaning up. Jess catches a glimpse of Rory through the window. He sees her bloodshot eyes and looks down. The girls enter.)

Luke: (solemnly) Happy birthday, Rory. (looks sharply at Jess)

Rory: (smiling faintly) Thanks. (to Jess.) Can we talk? Outside. For a moment. (Jess nods and they exit the diner.)

Lorelai: So you heard.

Luke: I'm sure not all, but I got the general picture. 

Lorelai: Yeah. Anyway, let them work it out out there. How was your date? Were you close enough for Nicole to throw her underwear at Humperdinck?

Luke: Nah, but she got the usher good.

Lorelai: Any more underwear action?

Luke: Lorelai. 

Lorelai: You do know you're never going to live this down?

Luke: Of course I will. I'll just threaten to cut your coffee. Depending on how it goes out there, you might not be able to weasel any out of Jess either.

Lorelai: You're starting to play dirty.

Luke: I learned from the master.

Lorelai: Aw. Thanks. You know, it was kind of weird today.

Luke: What?

Lorelai: You not being there.

Luke: Well, look what happens when I'm not.

Lorelai: Evidently.

(They hear a thud and look outside. Rory and Jess are against the window kissing furiously.)

Lorelai: Huh. That was quick.

Luke: What about the grandparents? 

Lorelai: Ugh. I'll deal with that tomorrow. (they continue to look at Rory and Jess.) Those two have good lungs. Really good lungs. It's kind of nice, though. You know, to have that kind of thing. Sometimes I miss it.

Luke: Yeah, I guess.

Lorelai: What are you talking about? Don't you have it? With Nicole?

Luke: Well, yeah, well, um, you know. I thought we were talking about young lungs.

Lorelai: Right. (turns back around) Well, at least we know my coffee's not in jeopardy.

Luke: It never is, is it?

Lorelai: Nope. Fill'er up. (He fills a mug.)

The End 

A/N: To any Engelbert Humperdinck fans, please do not be offended. I like Humperdinck, too! It's just that, in my terrible penchant for self-mocking, innocents like Engelbert and friends get caught in the cross-fire. But, to ensure there's no hard feelings, come on. Let's sing 'Quando, Quando' together. 


End file.
